Donald Trump is quickly eclipsing his record of the most assassinated Presidents of all-time. Surviving what is now an unreachable forty-seventh attempt on this life the President was as resolute as ever as he sat behind his desk of the same name casually looking over his shoulder in hopes to pad his stats.
Concerns about have been increasing as the unseasonably and unreasonably non-climate changey cold winter saw ice terrorizing the streets of Minneapolis.
Police are looking into a light-hearted series of theft reports at the Five Below store in the Berlin Mall after officers received a second call on November 29 involving what appears to be the same mischievous suspect.
The new statue will depict Mayor Mulvaney-Stanak in mid-sentence, one hand holding a bullhorn, and the other cradling in its palm a tiny bronze of Gov. Phil Scott.
Though the annual pardoning of turkeys by the sitting president has been a frequent tradition for generations, the pardons granted to turkeys during the Biden administration were determined to have been illegitimate due to being signed via autopen without the president’s knowledge. In turn, President Trump gave an immediate order to execute the birds.
In a bit of uplifting news, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs. The federal government is set to hire just over five hundred elderly, mentally incapacitated individuals.
The local high school tech center currently offers tracks for automotive, auto body, culinary, cosmetology and STEM fields. The lack of progressive pathways to bodily autonomy for students has two Windsor County senators concerned.
Introducing a Paul Bean Original Tune: “The Ballad of Butt Wipe Becca”
Recent studies by professional stupidity testers reveal what many of us have suspected for quite some time – American’s are getting stupider.
Blue Horizon made herstory this past week by having an all-female crew pierce the atmosphere to become only the third such gynocentric space mission.
National Tesla Vandals Day won out over other popular suggestions like National Tesla Vandals Visibility Day and National Nazi Logo-A-Tesla Day.
Vermonters came out to protest the Vice President after he took Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy over his knee and spanked him on live television.
Colonel Sanders donned his now famous mask and mittens to protect against transmission of the latest virus tearing through the capitol – the truth.
Several hundred Burlingtonians braved severe climate change in order to carry hand-made handmaiden signs in a show of strong delusion.
The shocking news of yet another fire in California has been overshadowing the Cinderella story of the City of Angels slowly turning into the Isle of Lesbos.
A groundbreaking new climate theory has taken the scientific community by storm, suggesting that recent extreme weather events are simply the result of a divine entity telling humanity to “get off His lawn.”
To beg one’s pardon: to apologize for misdeeds, like “Oops, I may have left an ounce of cocaine at your house, Dad.”
Distraught about the election and thinking about moving to another country? No worries! Another country is coming to you.
Despite having voted Democrat in 2020, swing states Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and even Vermont, turned harder to the right than a dyslexic NASCAR driver
In man-splaining terms, that means Democrats produced nearly 15 million more votes for the old white male instead of the colored lady. Weird.
The first chapter harkens back to Harris’ childhood which began with her being delivered under a coconut tree in Jamaica. She recalls fondly the days her mother and father would push her in her stroller alongside Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in the streets of Selma, AL when she spoke her first word “fweedom”.
One lucky girl will be chosen by lottery to authenticate the Pawnee Morning Star Ceremony intended to bring good luck in the year ahead. The town has asked for the daughter of a Democrat to ensure the election will result in a Kamala Harris victory.
Keeping up appearances, the two hated enemies who were meeting in person for the first time, exchanged a handshake with all the warmth and charm of a beach getaway in Greenland. The moderators then laid out the ground rules: absolutely no biting, kicking, or eye gouging will be tolerated. Lying, back biting, pivoting, gaslighting, rambling, insulting and obfuscating were all fair game. May the best man or person who identifies as a woman win!
The campaign’s new slogan “new way forward”, in no way similar to Mao’s “great leap forward’’, needed to be justified given the previous way forward the past three years included Miss Thang.
Bananas Media was able to catch up to the Master of Malevolence for an exclusive interview to find out why he would turn his back on such staunch supporters as the Democrats.
Though we were uncertain about these claims A.I. assured us it would be happy to fact-check them using the latest A.I. fact-checking technology.
Let’s talk about what’s weird….
Oddsmakers in Vegas are giving the betting public a chance to predict which method will next be used by the Deep State to derail Trump’s run for a second term.
Meanwhile, the Twitter-verse was awash with conspiracy theories
from people who had been making fun of conspiracy theorists for the past eight years.
Following the debate members of the media were stunned to discover what the rest of America had been talking about since 2020: Biden has the acuity of a Roomba.
Hi on energy drinks, ambition and the need to save people from seclusion, the princess of fertility kindly donated multiple Starlink setups to the indigenous people of the Marubo tribe, known mostly for living off the land and minding their own business.
The age old question of “which would you rather run into in the woods: a random man or random bear” exposed us all to the death-defying logic that is feminism.
The league will be named the Collegiate Radical Interscholastic Protest League (CRIPL) and will be the first ever truly trans-ed sports endeavor by the NCAA.
After seeing VT holding down the second worst spot in the US for economic prospects Governor Scott called to Ted Lasso to turn around VT’s bleak future.
The Bananas Guide to Joining A Cult will have you swallowed up by an amorphous mass of bot-people in no-time.
The Lebanon City Council and Diversity, Equity and Inclusion committees banded together to let these centuries old enemies know that they have had enough.
Not to be outdone the Biden Administration declared the holiest day in Christendom will now be recognized as Transgender Visibility Day.
As the world get’s crazier than a rainbow flag at a Hamas rally we turn our sights to the coming of the lawless one prophesied in holy writ.
Just because there are no green stars doesn’t mean they can’t go green.
After the one-sided applause died down, he addressed the crowd and got off to a good start by stating “If I was smart I would go home right now”.
Thanks to the real world results of these massive frauds the industry is finally recognizing its talent with the coveted Fony Award.
A subterranean community of homeless addicts is causing sinkholes in Burlington
She is the GOAT (Greatest Of All Taylors).
Even the term “shoplifting” or “shoplifter” will be illegal to use because it’s considered a derogatory term of social profiling.
Investigative journalists are dropping like a congressional aide’s pants across the U.S. as main stream media lays-off thousands.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.
In the wake of holiday havoc, experts left clutching their stockings in bewilderment
Santa Claus has come under fire thanks to a small band of elves who were recently hired per the North Pole’s new Diversity, Equity and Inclusion policy.
Both contestants and moderators brought their A games, but in a country with the educational standards of a Mad-lib an A just isn’t what it used to be.
Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was needed to envisage his lips. It was the thin smile of acceptable tolerance. Oh cruel misunderstanding! Oh stubborn, selfish desire to think freely!
Fat shaming, you say? Dear Lord of the flies, no! Thanksgiving is a celebration of girth people, and I’m here for it.
Gone are the days of pasty conservative men. We are left with two Indians, an African American, an obese guy and another guy wearing high heels. If that’s not representative of modern America, I don’t know what is!
In order for Halloween to be effective it helps if night is scarier than the day, but a quick glance at the headlines and you realize it’s an uphill task here in the Green Mountain state.
Not five minutes into our trip, it’s clear there are more bugs than the ones splattered on the windshield.
The University happily hosted the rally for mass murder and rape after being assured that no one would be misgendered.
Coming to you from the late, great state of Calexico the Republican Party held its second installment of seven people all competing for the least popular job in America.
Brand first exposed himself to me when I was watching one of his diatribes on Bill Maher’s show where he assaulted me and the entire audience that night with facts and logic.
All comers are welcome to enter this ground-breaking festival of pageantry and femininity which has been re-imagined to esteem our modern view of what it means to be Miss Upper Valley.
Despite its historical reputation as the global melting pot and land of equal opportunity, America has been recently outed by the really-super-smart types in colleges and universities as none of the above.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin was the site of this year’s first Republican Primary Debate and the crowd of cheese-loving patriots were not disappointed as the candidates produced plenty of cheesy moments.
The DOJ has announced they will be requiring all personnel to commit to weekly training videos featuring “Where’s Waldo” “Dora the Explorer” and old episodes of “The Pink Panther”.
Capitalizing on the smashing success of another month of pride, the crypto-fascists at Black Rock have excitedly announced they will be sponsoring Greed Month this coming December.
Vermont, once the first colony in the union to abolish slavery, has been rumored to be yet another state ready to see it’s nearly 3% Christian population fleeing to safer spaces like Florida.
A stunned online community was awash with concern over what this means for religion, spirituality and the price of yoga classes in the near future.
When asked about the inspiration for the new crime fighting team F.B.I. Director Christopher Wray explained they were an homage to one of his favorite historical memories, the movie “Star Wars”.
Vermont is quickly becoming an end of life getaway for those wishing to fall into the arms of Morpheus for all of eternity.
Just having the word Vermont on the label trumps everything. Several Wall Streeters cart the milk home to New Canaan and Saddle River in their briefcases.
“The piles of waste all over the cities, like San Francisco, are bigger than the piles running the state in Sacramento. Have you been to San Francisco lately? Huge piles. YUGE,” the former president said.
Among the courses offered will be A Guide to Magic Mushrooms, Summoning the Dead to Vote, Warlock Robes and Wardrobes and Hexes, Curses and Writing in Cursive.
Sixty-nine dude! That’s how many of these awesome meetings of the uber elite have taken place in the last sixty-nine years and they finally had the good sense to invite yours truly – or not- I’m not supposed to say.
Rather than simply acknowledge their constitutional right to follow their consciences and exercise their religious liberties the VPA did what principals live to do best – hand out punishments.
This land is our land, this land was your land.
A Vermont House resolution re-homing bears and de-homing people establishes an ursine right of eminent domain – they were here long before we were.
“I had no idea the General was so upset. He seemed like such a happy guy on the outside,” commented long time friend and former cereal killer Count Chocula.
On behalf of my fellow Earthlings, we would like to offer the people at the World Government Summit as a lovely parting gift for taking so much of your time to come all this way. Seriously, feel free to take as many as you’d like.
Even the hour I gained last month is one hour closer to imminent death thanks to the inherent risks associated with daylight savings time.
From the doorway of the House Ways and Means Committee room one lawmaker was overheard asking “are we setting aside money for new tinfoil hats for those nutty reporters outside” while giving the double-knuckle with a palm-press secret handshake shared between Progressive Freemasons.
The last word on men-struation. Period.
Humanity seems to be playing chicken with stupidity at a record pace.
Many of the players’ overprotective and enabling mothers have come out in defense of their grown baby boys asking such pertinent questions as “Why are you letting this happen to my baby?” “Who is responsible for hurting my baby?” and “Why isn’t the grass softer?”
A former CNN producer from Ludlow Vermont and former CNN news personality Brian Stelter will anchor a new Disney news initiative.
“We haven’t seen anything like this, well, since the days of Noah quite frankly,” said long-time elf and gift wrapper Ribbons N. Bowes. “That was a rough year.”
“I can’t be associated with this stuff,” the Mesopotamian deity said.
With each passing year the hashtag “#ClintonBodyCount” has been trending upward.
“We believe we can lower the global temperature at least one to two degrees by lowering the global population ten to fifteen percent,” Bill Gates said.
How to reel in the millions by reeling in the minions.
The man is a practicing nudist, which any fully clothed person knows is the goal of all Christian Nationalists – to return to the Garden of Eden completely naked.
Visit the Ben & Jerry’s kiosk to grab a pint or two of your favorite flavors for that mid-workout snack.
We at the Ministry of Truthiness want to explain what one of our propaganda dispensers meant when she said that we created the Glorious Goo at the Speed of Science™.
Building a wall in Hell to keep out the expected influx because, climate change.
Conservative talk show host Steven Crowder makes his acting debut as Donald Trump turned zombie after a series of failed COVID-19 booster shots.
Serried by a band of I-pad toting millennials dressed in business casual jeans and cleverly sloganed t-shirts, Musk strode triumphantly to his new office with the corner window overlooking the Whole Foods market across the street.
“Climate change is going to destroy this island if we don’t do something fast,” the Martha’s Vineyard Equity Council said. “This wall nothing to do with keeping the brownies out.”
With marijuana now legal to grow and sell, Progressives recommend moving the state capitol to Highgate.
As can be seen in the doctored footage of the January 6th insurrection, several hundred MP20 gang members can be seen assaulting officers and mostly peaceful Antifa members.
Dismayed by the public’s growing lack of support, Science has announced his retirement. And ladies of the night are offered a day job in Vermont schools.
Who wants to be anti-anything? Besides, if it walks like a fascist duck….
Among the elites of Windham County, Vermont, black lives no longer matter as much as Ukrainian lives, fake news Johnny Bananas reports.
