by Johnny Bananas
The world of social media geopolitics is undergoing a shift of apocalyptic proportions. World’s richest man Elon Musk was seen shirtless riding on a pale stallion as he entered Twitter headquarters just outside San Francisco. The Twitter office atmosphere, normally placid consisting of quietly sipped lattes and the soft buzzing of indoor Segways, was bedlam. Loud shrieks were reported by passersby and bodies could be seen jettisoning themselves from the one story building onto the well-manicured lawn below.
Serried by a band of I-pad toting millennials dressed in business casual jeans and cleverly sloganed t-shirts, Musk strode triumphantly to his new office with the corner window overlooking the Whole Foods market across the street. He immediately tore down the portraits of Stalin and Mao and replaced them with a war map of the social media landscape.
Just a few miles away the Facebook headquarters were abuzz with rumors of a hostile takeover by the Musk army. For months reports have been leaking out of Facebook headquarters that the small collection of conservative employees being held against their will by the cruel tyrant Mark Zuckerberg had sealed off a portion of the Instagram department preparing to vote on fully annexing themselves to Twitter.
Musk is reported to have been circling the Twitter campus repeatedly yelling “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?” as soon-to-be former employees, binary and non, lied curled up in the fetal position sobbing along the promenade.
Banana’s social media war correspondents will remain on the ground via Zoom for continued reports.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened.