by Johnny Bananas

Sic transit Gloria, as the saying goes.  Nowhere is this more true than Vermont where the fading charm of being a dairy farmer’s delight, a land flowing with maple syrup and RBST free cream to help wash down your organic coffee, has been replaced by becoming a third-residence getaway for the uber-wealthy who excel at creating third-world conditions to exploit. 

So if you’re a fan of bananas and use the word democracy when you really mean republic, the time is ripe for you to make your way in this brave new Banana Republic of Vermont! 

How can Vermont be a Banana Republic when it’s so far above the tropical zone you can barely find bananas at the store?  Silly commonsensitarianist, you don’t need bananas.  You don’t even need a republic.  Here is a list of the things you will need to make Vermont a first-class, first-world Banana Republic.  

Monteverde Monte Venality – You will want piles of green to pay off politicians.  With this capital you get to encourage them to say they’re “for the people”, but we know which people they’ll really mean (wink-wink). In a Banana Republic this is called a capital gains tan because you’ll be on the beach counting greenbacks knowing you’ve got Montpelier in your back pocket. Feel that Bern! 

Character Assassinations and Real Assassinations – operating in a Banana Republic means dealing with difficult people, such as do-gooders who believe in antiquated ideas like “the rule of law” and “citizens rights”.  You’re not just a citizen you’re an elite and you have the right to rule, am I right? So when these chatterbox knights of the people start yammering on about “civil liberties” you get some of your friends in the news media to take some un-civil liberties with their character.  If that doesn’t work, you take some liberties with their life.  It’s not personal, it’s political.  

This Land Is Our Land This Land Was Your Land – have you ever tried to hold a conversation with a Vermont farmer?  You need an interpreter who speaks fluent Green Mountain redneck or some dialect of Bidenese.  Seriously, you can’t tell if they’re yawning or tongue wrestling themselves.  C’mon man! People this incapable of coherent speech cannot be trusted with owning land, especially after making the conscious choice to shovel animal crap for a living.  As the saying goes, the pen is mightier than the shovel, so grease up some palms and buy that parcel at a discount.  Weed is the new cattle and the nice thing about weed?  It poops piles of revenue. 

Hello Guvnah! – if you  want to succeed in a Banana Republic you have to be on a first name basis with the governor.  Right now his name is Phil, as in “Phil my right hand with some money and see if my left hand doesn’t get you that contract to put windmills on those wetlands”.  It’s not called the green movement because they love trees, you silly hippies!

Vocab Enrichment – terms like “coup” and “failed state” will no longer be vague ideas as you race to finish the Time’s crossword puzzle.  They will be right outside your property value depressed door amigo!

All the Trans Run On Time – one sure fire sign of a Banana Republic is the timely rise of all things trans.  Trans-rights, trans-lefts, what difference does it make?  One thing is certain, your old republic is now a trans republic. 

Sponsor A Child In Need – For those children strong enough to make it past the angry forceps and out of the womb at the local “medical clinic” the future is brighter than a fresh pack of C4.  Banana Republics are incredible employment opportunities for children looking to make a lasting impression on a cruel world that wasn’t good enough to deserve them.  The savvy investor who wishes to up their game to warlord will sponsor a child terrorist and deploy them accordingly.  Few things say “I’m the new boss” as well as paying a youngin’ to blow themselves up at your expense.  

El Presidente – once the thrill of being a local warlord has worn off there is only one last hurdle to overcome.  Do you have what it takes?  Well, if you can explain why you need to defund the police while paying them to beat the citizenry into submission, raise concerns about the threat of corrupt countries like China and Ukraine while using them to raise the number of commas in your bank account, and have your competition arrested despite overcoming your own child-like arrested development, then by golly you can smell the sweet scent of victory like it’s a 9 year-olds head full of shampoo at a 2a.m. ballot harvesting party.  Hail to the Chieftan!

So whether you plan to tame the turf in your tiny hamlet or power move your posterior to the presidency the Banana’s Guide to Living In A Banana Republic for Vermonters is a step by step process to coming out on top while everything is sinking to the bottom.