by Johnny Bananas
A recent spate of mass plant and animal suicides is rocking the globe.
The number of food processing plants experiencing such disasters appears to be high, but In the U.S. there were approximately 1,410 warehouse (not just food processing) fires per year between 2014 and 2019. According to the National Fire Protection Agency (NFPA), these fires caused an annual average of two civilian deaths, 20 civilian injuries, and $159 million in direct property damage.
However it’s not just plants and animals, even trains seem to be going off the rails from the madness. A recent episode occurred in East Palestine, Ohio just across the border from Jerusalem, Pennsylvania. After years of tension between to the two cities a Northern Suffolk train appears to have ended it all as a message to the world. Though the tracks were poorly cared for and the wreckage showed signs of an external explosive device the railway coroner ruled it a suicide.
On April 21 of 2022 A plane crashed into a General Mills plant in Covington, Georgia. The Federal Aviation Administration reported that an unidentified small plane crashed within a mile of the runway of the Covington Municipal Airport. Local sources say the plant had been showing signs of depression recently giving away its entire collection of early edition Raisin Bran boxes to Captain Crunch.
“I had no idea the General was so upset. He seemed like such a happy guy on the outside,” commented long time friend and former cereal killer Count Chocula.
Authorities still are unclear as to how the plant was able to steer a manned aircraft into itself dealing the fatal blow. However, the local Sheriff is certain it was suicide.
Over 1 billion chickens have all died in a coordinated event that appears to be the result of their involvement in a mass suicide. Several members of the bovine community were seen milling around the outside of the various chicken harvesting plants where the mass extinction events took place, although authorities say there is nothing unusual about cows dressed in black who can drive black SUVs. A psycho-forensic analysis of the bird bloodbath reveals the chickens “just didn’t give a cluck any longer”, which is likely the result of too much time on social media.
On April 13, a major food California processing plant, Taylor Farms, burned itself almost completely to the ground after it realized it was not going to be able to flee California.
Also on April 13, a plane crashed into Gem State Processing in Heyburn, East Idaho at about 8:35 a.m. Despite this being a potato plant in Idaho of all places, local officials have ruled it a copycat suicide stating the plant was driven insane after realizing its childhood hero Mr. Potato head was now genderless.
On April 11 New Hampshire’s East Conway Beef and Pork experienced a “major plant fire”, which is another way of saying it snuck over the border to Vermont and smoked so much weed it asphyxiated itself. Given the popularity of plant based suicides this year the East Conway police department has decided rather than create beef with the locals and cold case it, the hot thing to do is call it a suicide. Many in the town say that’s a bunch of bologna.
Finally in an act of solidarity with plants and animals, Mark Middleton, a long-time aide to Bill and Hillary Clinton, was found dead on his property. A family member found him hanging from a tree clearly a symbolic nod to the plant deaths, and he lived in a town known to have many animals. So as not to fail at his mission he courageously loaded as shotgun and, whilst hanging on for dear death, turned it lengthwise to his chest and delivered the fatal blast.
Authorities expressed consternation over the missing rifle only to discover it was sent to the Smithsonian’s new Suicide’s In American History exhibit where it can be seen encased in glass and not hanging like Jeffrey Epstein who didn’t kill himself.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.
Then we should keep guns out of the paws, hooves, branches and leaves of plants and animals.
I think they should at least have a fighting chance.
I usually enjoy these columns, the folks at East Palestine who will suffer long term illness and loss of property might not enjoy the reference nor the families of the five people in the aircraft that was headed to Ohio to analyze what caused the massive plant explosion in Bedford, Ohio.
Tragically, suicide humor isn’t for everyone. Luckily I tried the same material while I was down in Arkansas and it killed.
You may want to read those last two paragraphs again.