by Johnny Bananas
Despite what many are calling a World Cup with an ending so epic not even Hollywood could have made it up, the world of soccer has been rocked by its own Hollywood-esque #metoo scandal. Photographs have emerged and are now taking over the internet of players lying prostrate, supine and even pretzeline after having been viciously assaulted by another player. Each of the photographs is accompanied by the familiar “#metoo” tag as well as a secondary cry for the emotional sympathy players are clearly not getting from a cold and cruel world.
These cries for help often go unheeded and even mocked as grown men continue to play games at the expense of the bold and brave weepy-men who have the courage not to hide their feelings of both pain and betrayal. Many of the players’ overprotective and enabling mothers have come out in defense of their grown baby boys asking such pertinent questions as “Why are you letting this happen to my baby?” “Who is responsible for hurting my baby?” and “Why isn’t the grass softer?”
In a first ever for litigation the FIFA players association has a class action suit against itself. The court case names every player in the league as both plaintiff and defendant. “This is very unusual but so is watching reams of grown men rolling on the ground crying for a month straight” commented Qatari legal expert Mohammed El Mohammed.
A separate class action suit has been filed by American football fans who say they were deceived when believing they would be watching international football only to have their testosterone levels involuntarily lowered over the course of the World Cup.
“Why wasn’t Tom Brady on the American team?” asked one incredulous fan from New Hampshire. “Without him the team is like an old brah – weak suppaht and no cups.”
The plaintiffs are seeking damages of $ 1 billion Euros and a lifetime supply of Dude Wipes.
We reached out to several of the sponsors for the American Men’s Soccer Team for comment. Pradeep Achu, speaking for the Kleenex company, made the following statement:
“Kleenex is deeply grieved at the human carnage Americans had to witness during this year’s World Cup. We were so distraught we couldn’t wipe away the tears fast enough, even with our unlimited supply of Kleenex’s new FIFA turf tissues, the only tissue made from 100% recyclable turf. Kleenex proudly offers a $1 million dollar donation to build the first state of the art Soccer Ouchies Facility & Treatment Spa (SOFTS). Kleenex is also working with the maker of Depends Male Underwear on a high impact, breathable, compression soccer-specific diaper intended to hit stores next season.
Also moved by the immense need to re-masculate the sport Pfizer is developing a new drug intended to replicate male testosterone via mRna technology, which currently is under trial in the Euro League. Fans critical of the new drug blame it for the nearly 4,000% increase in players with new heart problems and on the field deaths. Spokespersons for the drug maker are unconvinced. “Have you seen how much they run? That’s enough to give anyone heart problems leading to death” says lead scientist Antonio Fauccio, who also recommends players double and even triple mask until they flatten the curve or the EKG line, whichever comes first.
Not to be outdone by their western counterparts the Saudi Royal Family has donated a half a billion dollars to fund a global soccer initiative developed by a behavioral studies team from the Tavistock Institute in England they are calling Go Find Some Balls.
Among the unique injuries sustained in this year’s World Cup players were sidelined with the following:
12 boo-boos on the knee
16 sprained eyebrows
2 dislocated man-buns
13 cases of debilitating hang-nail
One reporter who asked “Since you can’t use your hands in soccer why are players sidelined by hangnail?” was found later that evening by the Sudden Death Squads who patrol the streets of Qatar due to the Sudden Death Syndrome. Qatari officials believe there is a new deadly strain of SDS brought from the west to the Middle East as a result of exposure to rainbows. The reporter’s sudden death was ruled a suicide.
The finals match was indeed one of the most exciting in recent memory. When asked why the Argentinian team lacked diversity the nation’s Twitter account responded “Because we are a country not a Disney movie” which lowered the country’s ESG score and landed the team an honorary yellow card prior to the match. The French team was so diverse many of the country’s critics reconsidered their stance on France’s colonial efforts into Africa given this was their second straight appearance in the finals.
The finals match also went into sudden death ending in a penalty kick shootout that saw Argentina’s goalie outduel France’s aging keeper Hugo Lloris. Lloris will likely be replaced by the up and coming Scott Sterling who has yet to allow a goal in any penalty kick situation due to what his coaches describe as his “steely faced determination”.