by Johnny Bananas

You may be wondering what in the wide, wild world of sports is going on these days in women’s athletics thanks to all the gender bending and rule breaking, most recently right here in Vermont.  Earlier this year the Vermont Principal’s Association made the unpopular decision to ban the Mid-Vermont Christian School girl’s basketball team, and all the other teams in the school for that matter, after the team decided to forfeit its game against another school sporting a trans-boy-saying-he-plays-like-a-girl athlete.  Rather than simply acknowledge their constitutional right to follow their consciences and exercise their religious liberties the VPA did what principal bodies live to do best – hand out punishments.  

The hot button issue quickly went viral thanks to social media where New York Times Best Selling Author and world renowned psychologist Jordan Peterson re-tweeted a Valley News article with the uncharacteristically laconic but highly Canadian phrase “It’s aboot time”.  

Support for the team was massive, other than among red and blue haired women in Vermont or those elected to represent them like Windsor County Senator and neighbor to the girls Becca White.  A crew from CNN was chased off the MVCS campus by a small band of dad’s wielding pitchforks and “fully semi-automatic high-powered bump-style weapons of mass destruction” as described by Senator White.  The film crew then made their way across the street to Jakes for some flapjacks and beet hash where they were able to interview the freshly coiffed senator who was more than happy to offer standard progressive talking points on camera. 

After CNN reported the incident the alternative media swooped into action and interviewed some of the dads, which is when the actual story emerged.  It turns out a bear was recently spotted strolling through the campus and was found shooting baskets at the courts near the elementary school.  The bear had such tremendous touch and accuracy inside the paint the dads, wanting to keep their school open for fear of losing funding, decided to detain the bear and bring it inside the gymnasium to scrimmage.  

What happened next was remarkable. 

After only a few short moments it was clear this bear could not only brawl, it could ball.  Head coach Chris Goodwin tallied up the bear’s statistics after the day’s events and reported to Banana’s News Inc. the bear had collected 114 rebounds, 117 points, 98 steals and only 14 fouls in just over 20 minutes of play.  Play stopped after the 14^th foul given each foul sent one of the girls to the bench with either a minor injury or mostly minor blood-loss.  Assistant coach Helen Jenks is encouraged though, since “the girls are young” and “they heal quickly”. 

The Christian community caught wind of the bear and an ad hoc school meeting was convened to discuss what may be the most incredibly act of cunning since Jacob stole Esau’s birthright.  After reviewing the current Vermont Statutes on anti-discrimination the team’s legal counsel concluded they could in fact have a bear play on the girl’s team, so long as the bear was female or identified as female.  Biblical counsel was offered by local pastor Neal Patel of Valley Bible Church who pointed out “there is nothing in the Bible about bears playing girls basketball.” 

Can a brother get an amen!?

Stunned by this oversight VPA director Jay Nichol’s couldn’t help but admire the school’s clever ploy to circumvent their deliberately obscure rules and has welcomed the team back into the league where they are the early favorites to win next year’s state championship. 

The bear was required by law to submit to a full athletic health screening, which it narrowly passed given it has not been vaccinated for COVID-19 yet still has advanced myocarditis thanks to its habitual use of cocaine.  Both the Mid Vermont School board and VPA have decided to look the other way on this since cocaine is technically not listed as a performance enhancing drug for bears in Vermont, and everyone can’t wait to see the bear start setting state records for girl’s sports. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.