by Johnny Bananas
Investigative journalists are dropping like a congressional aide’s pants across the U.S. as main stream media lays off thousands.
Fake news powerhouse the LA. Times has nearly emptied its Washington D.C. bureau just months before what many consider the biggest election year in American history. This shocking move has many of the journalists questioning the real reason behind the mass exodus.
“I had no idea this was coming” a shocked Alexandria Ortega-Churchill bemoaned as she placed her remaining office items into her 100% organic hemp Lululemon grocery tote. Despite being an investigative journalist neither she nor her colleagues had caught wind of the company’s declining readership and ad revenue. Explaining they just wrote the stories they were told to write and preferred to get their news from Tik-tok, the group of journalists admittedly didn’t bother to read their own publication, let alone any of the others forecasting news media’s burgeoning climate change.
Never ones to get off message the rumors of systemic racism as the cause began to circulate among those given their parting papers. “I don’t see too many white people leaving the office, do you?” complained Tykesha Barnes whose most famous piece “Being On-Time Is White Supremacy” won a Poo-lister Prize. Poo-lister Prizes are awarded to journalists whose contribution to the field is considered on par with bathroom tissue.
Also stunned by the news was Washington bureau reporter Tayler Lorentz who appeared inconsolable after hearing her fans would no longer be able to read her feminist opinions. Consistently identifying white men as the problem in society and calling them racist may be popular with her Millennial and Gen Z audiences but not with the old white guys signing her paychecks apparently. A besotted and benighted Lorentz barely managed to Tweet / X an image of her weeping hysterically while holding up her resume.
Speaking of resumes the Vermont Daily Chronicle, despite the national trend of losing journalists, has seen record growth over the last year doubling its number of employees and adding a social media department. It remains atop the list of conservative publications in Vermont thanks in part to having zero competitors. Despite running the risk of anti-trust litigation as a monopoly, Chief Editor In-Chief Guy Page remains undaunted.
“Our readership makes up less than 1% of the state where fewer and fewer people are learning to read, so I’m not that worried about it,” a resolute Page told Banana’s Media via a now unlocatable email. Page also informed us he has seen a record number of resumes come in from the sea of jobless journalists recently let go.
“The pool is incredibly wide but not very deep” he noted. When asked whether or not he was able to find any good hires he answered simply “no”. Pressing him to explain why he told us about the key questions he asks potential candidates, such as “Is America a democracy or republic?” “Can you identify fake news from the real thing?” and “Would you put real maple syrup on your pancakes if Aunt Jemima was on the bottle?”
“Most of them are so confused they don’t even bother to answer. If I have any doubt I simply hold up a picture of Donald Trump and note their reaction, which is almost always to flail into a raging conniption fit.” So far not one of the over twelve hundred applicants has received a follow up interview with the cagey editor.
Not wanting to sully his outfit’s reputation by adding infamous purveyors of fake news beyond his lone Truly Professional Fake News Reporter (Johnny Bananas), seems like a sound business decision given the recent trend in avoiding such problematic employees. Page wanted to make clear that, although Mr. Bananas is a regular contributor to the Chronicle he is not a paid employee.
“I can’t imagine anyone would pay that guy – he just makes things up. Take this article for example,” Page commented before rushing off to do real journalism by talking to people even less trustworthy than members of the media, namely members of Vermont’s legislative body.
When asked to respond to his editor’s comments Mr. Bananas declined stating he was too busy working on unionizing his fellow employees.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.
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Categories: Satire
Comedic as always, but I do have one question: What the heck is this “investigative journalist” thing you speak of?
It’s an endangered species once residing and flourishing in major urban centers throughout the U.S. If you see one don’t disturb or feed it. They are incredibly dangerous and need to be handled by trained professionals.
I think the real journalists are the ones the three letter agencies surpress and malign to the outer regions of the world-wide web. Ask Matt Taibbi – he had a few runs in with the men in black just for waking up and speaking up. There are the citizen journalists (free range thinkers and writers) who are making more headway than their corporate counterparts. I wonder what they teach in journalism class now? Or does it rely upon the job training manuals supplied by the six media titans, their affiliates, and secret officials?
investigative journalist/// a group that works for tel//// lie/// vison////
Sarcasm escapes you. So does the concept of a free press – anyone can post on VDC regardless of what state they reside in.
Dearest Kathleen – I think you may be the jailer from whom sarcasm escaped on this one.
JB = Johnny Bananas
You seem a little edgy m’lady. You may want to supplement your reading and screeding with some walks outside. These articles are meant to be funny not fodder for diatribes.
Thank you for your patronage all the same.
You want to see hard hitting investigative journalism? Check this out from Snopes published January 27, 2024:
“Editor’s Note: We received a ton of comments in a very short time challenging our assumption that wearing a hard hat “backwards” means wearing it with the brim facing to the rear, and “forwards” means wearing it brim to the front. On the basis of that assumption, we originally rated the claim that Biden was wearing a hard hat backwards as false.
The prevailing counter-argument is that if the suspension of the hat has been purposely configured by its owner such that the bill and tightening knob are worn to the back (as was the case of the hat Biden wore), to wear that hat with the bill facing forward is, practically speaking, to wear it backwards. Therefore, it’s argued, it’s actually true that, in the photo op discussed below, Biden was wearing it backwards. The strap and tightening knob, which should have been behind Biden’s head, were on his forehead.
A corollary to that argument is “Biden looks damn silly in any case.”
We find these arguments sound. Therefore, the claim “President Joe Biden wore a hard hat backwards during a photo op with union construction workers in Superior, Wisconsin” is true, and this fact check has been re-rated as such. Thanks to all who argued on behalf of this correction.”
Johnny, you have some stiff competition with these muckrakers!
You get what you pay for with Snopes.
I’m more than aware of Mr. Banana’s objectives with this column as you would well know if you posted more regularly & therefore had an indication of the typical sentiments under which I routinely post. And I’m also more than certain that any individual from any state of the union can post on VDC, in response specifically to myday44yahoocom under a different thread, who like you does not utilize his proper name in compliance with the site’s recommendations.
The saddest part is they actually print this tripe with all seriousness. Good fodder and good fun for those with a functioning brain nonetheless. Clown world indeed!
What exactly is Biden protecting under that hard hat?
Journalism’s Rule of 24:
Hire 24 year-olds, work them 24/7, pay them $24k/yr.
Sounds about right for this crop.
thank you for the answer about posting/// we have a poster that moved from pownal vermont ten years ago and i was concerned that the selectboard was the reason she had to leave///she has made many bad comments about them///
I don’t believe that you have any concept as to how a free press operates or perhaps even a free nation, & certainly not how the VT Constitution reads. In the USA and therefore within the state of VT, anyone can openly criticize any elected officers. The VT Constitution alone in part reads: That the people have a right to freedom of speech, and of writing and publishing their sentiments, concerning the transactions of government……”
I have every right to condemn Mr. Brownell’s (who was, yet again, the self-appointed zoning administrator AND the head of the select board and who now occupies a space in the legislature) abject failure to properly enforce zoning bylaws and to aid in ensuring that the laws of the State of VT and the bylaws of the town of Pownal were all duly implemented at all times as VT & local laws specify, as to protect and to serve the will of the people.
Mr. Brownell is yet but another deeply corrupted individual with a lengthy “career” in government amongst the thousands of others who comprise a list far too lengthy to enumerate. However, if there remain any questions as to whether any poster on here can vocally criticize an elected officer OR if individuals from any other state can contribute to posts here on VDC, I recommend contacting Mr. Page directly, and not futilely making assertions that have no basis in basic constitutionality or this site’s regulations.
the information about mr. brownell has made me start looking at his voting record in the vermont legislature/// it will be interesting to watch the votes///
the constitution is a restraint on governments power/// the bill of rights to be enforceable you must halt the n. g. o. that is running your government///