by Johnny Bananas
Reports coming from the North Pole anticipate a long Dark Winter for most of the world’s population this Christmas thanks largely to a recent spike in names added to the naughty list.
“We usually have a pretty substantial list thanks to China but this year it’s off the charts” commented List Master Steve Keebler.
Our sources inside the Claus Compound cite the recent election fraud, wars and rumors of wars, illegal arms dealing, drug trafficking, human trafficking, disrespectful youth, failing students, and lots of lying by everyone especially those in news media.
“We haven’t seen anything like this, well, since the days of Noah quite frankly. That was a rough year. With four thousand elves and only sixteen presents to make it was getting pretty tense even here at the Pole. I thought some of the elves were going to be on the naughty list” remembers long-time elf and gift wrapper Ribbons N. Bowes.
Compounding the problem is the halt in coal production which, as many know, is the proper alternative “gift” for correcting bad behavior.
“That Elizabeth Warren is a dingbat” says Santa. “She’s been on the N-list for as long as I can remember. Does she look like an Indian to you? Me neither. Now she’s stopping coal production! How is anyone going to learn?”
When asked if Bernie Sanders will be getting any gifts Santa lets out a chortle that nearly causes an avalanche in a nearby mountain range. “Bernie? He thinks he is Santa! Besides, he has to believe I even exist. I’m more real than his Utopia, I can tell you that.”
What does this mean for Vermonters? Luckily Uncle Bernie has drafted legislation to make being on the naughty list a hate crime for which Santa is looking to likely get cancelled and potentially serve a life sentence stretching out some 7.5 trillion years. The “Gift of Love Bill” has overwhelming support in both the house and the senate, on both sides of the aisle, thanks in large part to a leaker from the Pole who left a Claus Compound Laptop lightly covered in fairy dust at a D.C. hotel with this year’s list on it. Federal agents were surprised to find every single person in the federal government on the list, with most of the Democrats names appearing more than once.
When asked to explain the double-entries Santa tells us he’s sending a message. “Have you seen 2,000 Mules? They stuffed those ballot boxes like they were Thanksgiving turkeys!”
The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) says they are more than happy to pick up the slack and, despite locking down over a billion of their citizens, have instituted 24 hour work-shifts to make up for the drop in labor.
“It is the most wonderful time of the year…to make money!” says a beaming Xi Jingping. “Santa Claus not white, Santa Chinese!” he jokes as his team of communist administrators offer perfunctory laughter.
Word of this traveled quickly to the real Santa who palmed his face while muttering “For the love of Jesus…”
Our reporter on location in Mexico reached out to Jesus for comment and was told he had recently found work after relocating to Martha’s Vineyard.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.
As funny as this is, it’s also not funny.
Can we get off this rollercoaster yet?
“And to all a good fright”!