Satirist given plenty of material when Legislature kicks press out of committee meetings

by Johnny Bananas

Whether you believe you are reading this article on a global or flat earth the Vermont legislature wants no part of your alien presence.  Utilizing COVID mania and the leverage offered by the recent panic-demic, Green Mountain state legislators suddenly have the need for complete privacy as they fashion public policy, all paid for with your almost useless fiat money. 

From the doorway of the House Ways and Means Committee room one lawmaker was overheard asking “are we setting aside money for new tinfoil hats for those nutty reporters outside” while giving the double-knuckle with a palm-press secret handshake shared between Progressive Freemasons.  After the room quieted from the laughter they donned their hooded robes and opened the meeting with an incantation to Molech who is still celebrating last year’s constitutional victory over babies. 

Some reporters expressed concern over the topic of the now secret legislative meetings included gun rights and free speech, however they were told to shut up and not talk about it after making their way through the State House metal detectors.  

“It almost seems like those conspiracy theorists were on to something” a reporter from WCAX muttered while requesting anonymity from his colleagues.  From a distance, where a VDC reporter had been instructed to socially distance himself within a six foot chalk circle neatly enclosing a southward facing five sided star on the floor, they were able to make out words like “Sandy Hook” “9/11” and “JFK” from the muttering group of masked journalists.  

One of our reliable sources was able to tell us the Progressives running the formerly named Fish and Game Committee now the Sustainable Green Blah-blah-something-or-other-Granola Committee have a five year plan to disarm every Vermont citizen, accept for government military, government police, government funded security personnel and criminals.  However some of the progress has been slowed as they have been unable to arouse any serious mass shootings given most of the young males in the state have taken hunter safety classes.  

Following in the footsteps their reptilian overlords at the World Economic Forum the Judiciary Committee is reported by another inside source to be crafting hate speech legislation that will include prison sentences and even capital punishment if the speech is proven to hurt the feelings of a trans-anything.  Our correspondent caught up with the committee chair Sen. Phil Baruth (D-Chittenden) and asked if this included “hurting the feelings of a Pontiac Trans-Am?” He was promptly detained and is now awaiting a hearing to schedule “journalism sensitivity training and re-education” classes. 

Among the list of bills reported to be introduced to the upcoming docket from within the super-secret private chambers of the publicly paid for political offices include: 

• Detention Spa’s In Waterbury 
• Social Media Tax 
• MAGA Tax
• Anti-vaxxer Tax
• Funding for Crisis Actors 
• Black Lives Matter Anti-sports Complex in South Burlington 
• Mark of the Best Vermonters Digital Access Chip

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.