Bananas: Republican debate knee-deep in the Cheese State 

Milwaukee, Wisconsin was the site of this year’s first Republican Primary Debate and the raucous crowd of cheese-loving patriots were not disappointed as the candidates squeezed plenty of cheesy moments out for them and some 13 million Americans watching from home. 

Among those qualifying for the stage were former Governor of South Carolina Nikki Haley, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Arkansas Governor Asa Hucthinson, former Vice President Mike Pence, Governor of Florida Ron Desantis, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, billionaire entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy and a guy from North Dakota named Doug

Not in attendance at the debate was President Donald Trump who currently enjoys a 62% approval rating among Republican voters.  This is forty-six points against his closest competitor Ron Desantis (16%) and just shy of the number of charges brought against him by Democrats in Georgia, New York, Florida and the District of Columbia.  Trump chose not to bolster his opponents by instead being interviewed by former Fox top-rated television personality Tucker Carlson.  

The moderators for the event were Fox News Martha McCollum and Brett Baier, who doubled as nannies for the unruly crowd and candidates at times threatening to put them in time-out and once even suggesting Mike Pence might need a spanking if he kept interrupting. 

The fireworks came early and often as Vivek Ramaswamy’s opening comments included levying an insult to the all seven candidates as “bought and paid for” which drew cheers and jeers from the audience.  This led to former V.P. Mike Pence retorting by calling him a “rookie” and stating “running the country isn’t the same as running your gas station Apu,” at which point the gloves were off.  

Mrs. Haley, clad in a light-blue afro-cotton blazer from Martha Stewart’s new Martha’s Vineyard line began by chiding the field for their irresponsible spending of American tax-payer money.  Included in this criticism was President Trump who saw the debt increase by nearly a trillion dollars.  After her criticism the beleaguered President’s numbers went up another two points.  

Up next the candidates were asked about their stance on Ukraine which all but Ramaswamy supported.  Haley again chided the young Harvard grad by reminding him of his lack of experience and accused him of implicitly supporting a “murderer” in Vladimir Putin.  She finished by reminding the listeners that Ukraine is a “pro-American country” and, without a hint of irony, that “we paid good money for that” motioning to her coterie of supporters from Raytheon.  

An audience member was then given the chance to ask a carefully-groomed question about climate change being the most important issue for young Americans.  Ramaswamy again took the negative position referring to it as a “hoax”.  This time Governor Christie took a swing at the young upstart by suggesting Ramaswamy also believed the earth was flat.  The svelte Indian-American must have not heard the comment clearly over the loud roar from the crowd because he responded by saying “you are fat Governor Krispy Kreme”, which was followed by a series of “I know you are but what am I” parries.  

The handling of January 6th by Mike Pence became the focus and candidates were asked if they agreed with his decision to not exercise his white house privilege to recall the vote.  A pensive Pence took this moment to remind the American people of his super-double-duper faith in Jesus Christ and oath on the Bible he swore to the Constitution, not Donald Trump (who immediately saw another two point increase), then broke into a semi-spontaneous rendition of “Amazing Grace” before reminding everyone he stands with Ukraine and recommends we bomb Russia back to the stone ages. This was received by a smattering of applause from his donors at McDonnell-Douglas.  

Ron Desantis was asked his position regarding Pence’s decision said had “no beef” with the former vice president before reminding everyone how important it is to look forward rather than look back to the political mayhem of January 6th.  He followed this quickly by reciting his record as America’s favorite governor who has single-handedly taken on the tyrannical theme park giant Disney, only to be trolled by the other seven debaters who broke into “It’s A Small World”.  So goofy!

One candidate who was not invited to participate despite garnering the necessary support was Larry Elder.  When Banana’s Media asked why he was not allowed to participate we were told there were already too many white supremacists participating and they already had Tim Scott. 

The avuncular Tim Scott was perhaps the most congenial of the candidates often pleading with the listener to remember the plight of the poor, from whence he came.  Quite the American success story, a black man one generation from cotton picking slaves, had made it all the way to the senate of the most powerful nation in the land.  Fox then ran a commercial at the break celebrating the senator’s heart-warming story with their world exclusive premiere “Uncle Tim’s Cabin”.  

Trump was again brought into focus which had Governor Krispy up in arms as he reminded the people the conduct of Donald Trump was not only likely criminal but “beneath the office of the presidency”, similar to the location where secret service agents recently found a bag of cocaine.  

Finally an odd line of questioning featured Baier asking Christie if the recent reports on UFO’s was something he would disclose to the American public, however the cameras panned over to Governor Asa Hutchinson for an uncomfortably long amount of time as did the sideward glances of the other candidates.  Hutchinson’s appeared to glitch momentarily before reminding everyone Donald Trump is a racist, vaulting Mr. Trump up another twelve percentage points putting him at nearly 97% by the close of the evening.

As of the time of publishing the Vegas odds for Trump to win the presidency are now 2-1 which are the same odds of him dying in a plane crash somewhere over Arkansas before November of next year

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.

Categories: Satire

10 replies »

  1. Race discomfort presented as wit: Senator Tim Scott, one generation removed from cotton picking slaves, Uncle Tim’s Cabin,

    • …And a most egregious, racist comment of the worst type coming from a white male who lives in one of the wealthiest, most privileged communities in all of lily-white VT – Lily-White Woodstock.

    • 1) It’s satire Dave
      2) The joke is about Larry Elder not being on stage alongside Tim Scott – it makes fun of Republican/Fox token-eering the debate. Elder should have been up there.
      3) Had you clicked the link you’d see it was to an article where VT Digger used a comic called Uncle Tim’s Cabin – thus panning their racist stupidity

      Personally I rather like Tim Scott and fancy him smart enough to get the joke and not be offended, especially when he has people like you to be offended on his behalf. What’s that called again?

      Jokes aren’t as funny when they need explaining.

  2. No worries RINOs or Dem/Progs, various Secretaries of State are coming together to plot and collude a way to keep 45 off their respective State ballots. How is that not a violation of voter rights? How is that not election interference? The swamp runs from coast to coast, top to bottom from State to crooked, rigged State. Call it what you will, the days of Haman, the Fourth Reich or 5th Generation warfare, the evil empire is all in and it will be an absolute delight to see them all crash and burn for their wicked deeds – done not so cheap.

  3. If the 14th amendment means what it plainly says; No person shall be a senator, or representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection …
    That means that this is just one of the qualifications or disqualifications that are routinely decided by the authority within a state that determines whether a proposed candidate may be placed on the ballot, It would be no different if a proposed candidate was disqualified because they did not meet the age requirement for holding office. The authority would make a determination of whether the candidate was disqualified, which the candidate would have the ability to challenge in a court of law.
    Wouldn’t it make sense for various secretaries of state to, once, a candidate was proposed to be placed on a public ballot, for them to openly state their intention to keep that candidate off the ballot if they thought the candidate disqualified, to give the candidate ample time to have it determined in court that as a mater of law that they were not disqualified?
    That would hardly seem to be a conspiracy. Of course, the way around this would be to not support the proposed candidacy of someone likely to be determined by a secretary of state, and upheld by a court, to have engaged in an insurrection against the United States while in office.

    • President Trump’s words: “I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capital Building (i.e.: the PEOPLE’S HOUSE) to PEACEFULLY & PATRIOTICALLY make your VOICES heard today”. This, as challenging election results is a PERFECTLY LEGAL and Constitutional right that all Americans have and one which democrat candidates who have lost elections use with great frequency! And your idiotic verbiage calling such an “insurrection” has long been discredited through the knowledge of the FACTS that plain-clothed FBI agents acting as agitators had a presence amongst the crowd intentionally attempting to incite mayhem so that, in the end, any legal challenges to the massive degrees of election fraud and interference* (* AN INVENTORY OF EVIDENCE ALREADY PREVIOUSLY LISTED ON THE VDC READILY PERUSABLE AT YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE) that unquestionably transpired during the 2020 election(s) were overshadowed by the democrat/socialist plotted “insurrection” in corroboration with your weaponized FBI. Thereafter, their DNC-controlled mainstream media immediately began the planned commencement of FEIGNED hysteria over the supposed “insurrection” to which YOU continue to obediently adhere.

      In fact, though Dave Searles – there were ACTUAL attacks over the course of US history on the Capital by extremist groups throughout the course of the twentieth Century beginning in the year 1915 and culminating in the years of 1971 and again in 1983 when BOMBS were DETONATED inside the building – the latter year by the criminal group “Weather Underground”, a well-reputed and violent leftist organization which your “Prince of Heaven” Barack Obama has historically spoken quite fondly of.

      Lastly court “decisions” as well as indictments in a Banana Republic are meaningless at best and dangerous & deadly at worst, and this USA is in the midst of being traitorously transformed from a once proud Constitutional Republic to this current Banana Republic by your leftist Democrat Party’s intentional agenda & mission to destabilize the economy, neutralize a leading political opponent, and create a single party totalitarian system of governance which is intended to replace the current OF, BY, and FOR the PEOPLE’S Republic that your party members so deplore & seek to extinguish.

      The repetitive blather of your conveniently termed “insurrection” is preposterous, ineffective, and has merely contributed to additional funding into President Trump’s campaign fund.
      But my… you and your treasonous allies in the Vermont legislature are RUNNIN’ SCARED – not only of President Trump ever since the day he took his oath of office, but of this website which publishes actual unbiased news and allows freedom of speech – a right INHERENT to ALL Americans and a right to your allies shall never abolish as it is and forever remains a God-given right.

    • Hence the term: ignorance is bliss. The Bushes, The Clintons, the Obamas, The Bidens. If there was an AG or Department of Justice worth their expensive degrees, dryclean only empty suits, and lifetime pensions, this mockery and subversion of the US Constitution would not be happening. Yet, let the cow patties fall where they may and ignore the obvious because main scream [sic] media says so. Word is by October, the situation in the United States will be do or die…hope your prepared.

  4. Oh, and did I mention to all the Public SERVANTS in Montpelier:


    If not, MAGA. To you & yours.

    NO FEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Remember her name:

    ASHLI BABBITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Trump Supporter.
    US Veteran.
    No Criminal Record.
    Killed by Capital Police for illegal entry. Into the People’s House.

    No Other Deaths Reported as a result of the colluded, contrived, & conspired Jan 6th incident.

    However, there HAS been an invasion of treasonous, socialist, anti-Constitutionalists who have commandeered the Capital in Vermont and who require the most urgent banishment, lest freedom never reign.

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