Milwaukee, Wisconsin was the site of this year’s first Republican Primary Debate and the raucous crowd of cheese-loving patriots were not disappointed as the candidates squeezed plenty of cheesy moments out for them and some 13 million Americans watching from home.
Among those qualifying for the stage were former Governor of South Carolina Nikki Haley, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Arkansas Governor Asa Hucthinson, former Vice President Mike Pence, Governor of Florida Ron Desantis, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, billionaire entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy and a guy from North Dakota named Doug.
Not in attendance at the debate was President Donald Trump who currently enjoys a 62% approval rating among Republican voters. This is forty-six points against his closest competitor Ron Desantis (16%) and just shy of the number of charges brought against him by Democrats in Georgia, New York, Florida and the District of Columbia. Trump chose not to bolster his opponents by instead being interviewed by former Fox top-rated television personality Tucker Carlson.
The moderators for the event were Fox News Martha McCollum and Brett Baier, who doubled as nannies for the unruly crowd and candidates at times threatening to put them in time-out and once even suggesting Mike Pence might need a spanking if he kept interrupting.
The fireworks came early and often as Vivek Ramaswamy’s opening comments included levying an insult to the all seven candidates as “bought and paid for” which drew cheers and jeers from the audience. This led to former V.P. Mike Pence retorting by calling him a “rookie” and stating “running the country isn’t the same as running your gas station Apu,” at which point the gloves were off.
Mrs. Haley, clad in a light-blue afro-cotton blazer from Martha Stewart’s new Martha’s Vineyard line began by chiding the field for their irresponsible spending of American tax-payer money. Included in this criticism was President Trump who saw the debt increase by nearly a trillion dollars. After her criticism the beleaguered President’s numbers went up another two points.
Up next the candidates were asked about their stance on Ukraine which all but Ramaswamy supported. Haley again chided the young Harvard grad by reminding him of his lack of experience and accused him of implicitly supporting a “murderer” in Vladimir Putin. She finished by reminding the listeners that Ukraine is a “pro-American country” and, without a hint of irony, that “we paid good money for that” motioning to her coterie of supporters from Raytheon.
An audience member was then given the chance to ask a carefully-groomed question about climate change being the most important issue for young Americans. Ramaswamy again took the negative position referring to it as a “hoax”. This time Governor Christie took a swing at the young upstart by suggesting Ramaswamy also believed the earth was flat. The svelte Indian-American must have not heard the comment clearly over the loud roar from the crowd because he responded by saying “you are fat Governor Krispy Kreme”, which was followed by a series of “I know you are but what am I” parries.
The handling of January 6th by Mike Pence became the focus and candidates were asked if they agreed with his decision to not exercise his white house privilege to recall the vote. A pensive Pence took this moment to remind the American people of his super-double-duper faith in Jesus Christ and oath on the Bible he swore to the Constitution, not Donald Trump (who immediately saw another two point increase), then broke into a semi-spontaneous rendition of “Amazing Grace” before reminding everyone he stands with Ukraine and recommends we bomb Russia back to the stone ages. This was received by a smattering of applause from his donors at McDonnell-Douglas.
Ron Desantis was asked his position regarding Pence’s decision said had “no beef” with the former vice president before reminding everyone how important it is to look forward rather than look back to the political mayhem of January 6th. He followed this quickly by reciting his record as America’s favorite governor who has single-handedly taken on the tyrannical theme park giant Disney, only to be trolled by the other seven debaters who broke into “It’s A Small World”. So goofy!
One candidate who was not invited to participate despite garnering the necessary support was Larry Elder. When Banana’s Media asked why he was not allowed to participate we were told there were already too many white supremacists participating and they already had Tim Scott.
The avuncular Tim Scott was perhaps the most congenial of the candidates often pleading with the listener to remember the plight of the poor, from whence he came. Quite the American success story, a black man one generation from cotton picking slaves, had made it all the way to the senate of the most powerful nation in the land. Fox then ran a commercial at the break celebrating the senator’s heart-warming story with their world exclusive premiere “Uncle Tim’s Cabin”.
Trump was again brought into focus which had Governor Krispy up in arms as he reminded the people the conduct of Donald Trump was not only likely criminal but “beneath the office of the presidency”, similar to the location where secret service agents recently found a bag of cocaine.
Finally an odd line of questioning featured Baier asking Christie if the recent reports on UFO’s was something he would disclose to the American public, however the cameras panned over to Governor Asa Hutchinson for an uncomfortably long amount of time as did the sideward glances of the other candidates. Hutchinson’s appeared to glitch momentarily before reminding everyone Donald Trump is a racist, vaulting Mr. Trump up another twelve percentage points putting him at nearly 97% by the close of the evening.
As of the time of publishing the Vegas odds for Trump to win the presidency are now 2-1 which are the same odds of him dying in a plane crash somewhere over Arkansas before November of next year.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.