by Johnny Bananas
After a lengthy and thorough investigation of the mysterious bag of cocaine found at the White House the Department of Justice has fallen under scrutiny for their lack of success in finding either DNA or fingerprints on the contraband.
The “dime bag” of narcotic substance was found in a “non-working” area of the White House that has been under construction for some time. After discovering it during a routine sweep of the area the Secret Service immediately inspected the bag for identifying markers. Initial lab reports came back positive for cocaine hydrochloride, however the plastic bag it was contained in yielded neither finger prints nor any traces of DNA.
“It must have fallen out of the sky” asserted long-time Secret Serviceman Stevie Wondersaloud. After several hours of investigating the theory it was concluded the roof of the White House as well as the first, second, and third floors along with the basement ceiling in the room where it was found make it physically impossible.
Another of the agents suggested an examination of that day’s five hundred visitors to see if any were named Tony Montana, Michael Irvin or known Pixie’s. After their new $4.5 billion A.I. robot ran through the illegal database developed by the National Security Agency for spying on Americans yielded no results the world’s finest and most well-funded investigative apparatus was dumbfounded.
A member of the press suggested the cocaine perhaps belonged to one of the residents, son of the current President and long-time cocaine user, Hunter Biden who was living there at the time.
When asked “Has anyone thought maybe Hunter might have left it there?” White House press talker-person Karine Jean-Pierre answered ironically “That is an irresponsible question that I won’t dignify by answering”. She then defended the first family by pointing out they were away the day it was found and remained on vacation the three days thereafter in order to pad Joe Biden’s lead for most vacation time taken by a sitting president.
Thinking outside of the box of normal ethical practices has become a calling card of the current DOJ, which is why they decided to ask Hunter Biden directly if in fact it was his cocaine. After snorting some of the sample offered to him by the agents he assured it absolutely was not his cocaine as it was clearly cut with baking soda, not the pure Colombian Bam-Bam he buys, and they should “go see Shady Pete on 17th and Commerce street who is known for pulling that crap.”
Incredulity from the press, politicians and the public mounted as they pointed out the intelligence communities ability to find Osama Bin Laden in the nether regions of Pakistan, can contact trace a virus in a third grader on their way to piano lessons, and use camera footage to find every suspected insurrectionist at the January 6th stolen-election party. One person who pointed out there are security cameras in every room in the White House was told they were the same ones used by the Manhattan prison where Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.
In an effort to redouble the department’s investigative efforts the DOJ has announced they will be requiring all personnel to commit to weekly training videos featuring “Where’s Waldo” “Dora the Explorer” and old episodes of “The Pink Panther”.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.