Satire

How to calculate the Speed of Science

by Winston O’Brien

Greetings, worshipers of The Science™! We at the Ministry of Truthiness want to explain what one of our propaganda dispensers meant when she said that we created the Glorious Goo at the Speed of Science™. We know that The Science™ is really hard for you pea-brains to understand, so all you really need to know is that the Speed of Science™ is really, really fast. It’s unimaginably fast! But if you want to know the mathy mathiness about how fast that is, keep reading. We’ll try to keep the math simple for you simpletons.

As we all know, the more money that the government gives to the virtuous and selfless and heroic scientists here at the Ministry of Truthiness, the faster The Science™ will be. We can express this using the following super-simple and sciency equation:

Vs = K × ( $ ÷ T )

Vs is the Velocity (fancy word for speed) of Science™.

K is a krazy konstant that we just made up and change whenever we feel like it to ensure that our sciency scientists don’t run out of money.

$ is dollars.

T is time in seconds.

So this equation is saying: the more dollars per second that we get, the faster our Science™ goes. Simple, right? The equation is also saying that Science™ is a unit that is expressed in dollars per second. This is only right, because without dollars, our Science™ wouldn’t exist at all!

The takeaway message here is that you need to give us even more dollars, because we’re the only ones that can stop the Worst Disease Ever, or the Even Worstest Worst Diseases Ever that might be heading our way this winter. Your tax dollars help, but you can help even more by injecting yourself with the Glorious Goo. Each injection you take sends more science dollars to our super-sciency scientists. Donate generously!

Winston O’Brien is the pseudonym for a satirist living in rural Vermont.

Categories: Satire

2 replies »

  1. And it goes without saying the Ministry of Truthiness is the only agency that knows what’s in all their sanitized contracts with the providers of $.

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