by Johnny Bananas
With a generous grant from global pharmaceutical giant Pfizer the University of Vermont announces plans to break ground this summer on a new School of Sorcery.
Eager to capitalize on a generation still under the spell of Harry Potter, UVM plans to be the first to offer a Bachelors in Divination, Sorcery and Magic (BDSM). Applications for the school have already been flooding in as competition for the limited number of thirteen spots intensifies.
Some concern over the claims made by applicants has the registrar’s office working over-time to verify them. One hopeful student reports they have already defeated multiple dragons in the Forbidden Forest behind their house in downtown Los Angeles while others claim to have conquered entire armies of trolls – not on the internet, actual trolls. Another hopeful matriculator says they have a gnome farm.
“We take our jobs as witches and warlocks very seriously, so it’s a little unsettling to read some of these outlandish assertions” states incoming Headmaster Molgrom Ridiculi. “One does not simply defeat a dragon in Los Angeles without years of blood, sweat and magic rituals practiced under the guidance of proper wizardry!” This has led the staff to require video evidence of “extraordinary claims” while raising some concerns students will use A.I. to generate them.
Among the courses offered will be A Guide to Magic Mushrooms, Summoning the Dead to Vote, Warlock Robes and Wardrobes and Hexes, Curses and Writing in Cursive. The course with the most applicant interest is in Black and White Magic, however UVM’s D.E.I. board chair Sha’Karen Finkelworthy (she/her/shay/sho) says the name is problematic.
“Why black magic gotta be the evil one? Can’t nobody tell me!” Miss Finkelworthy crows as she waves her finger back and forth at the new staff, who appear to take the gesturing as a challenge. We reached out to Miss Finkelworthy for comment but were told she was unable to report to work after waking up covered in boils.
Still the excitement over the new school has many wondering about the forthcoming building. The architectural plans look to be early 14th century gothic in design, which has other area residents complaining.
A recent letter to the editor included the following statement from Sandy Plumbottom, board chair of a nearby subdivision:
“We have a Home Owners Association (HOA) covenant and this violates the building code for our neighborhood. It strictly prohibits non-eco friendly structures and the color code only allows earth tones, with the exception of yellow and blue paint if you stand with Ukraine. Or rainbow décor if you have a pride member in your family.”
Bananas Media reached out for a follow-up interview with Miss Plumbottom and were told she had been committed to a nearby sanitarium after being spotted crawling around her front yard clucking like a chicken.
Despite the hotly contested venture the school’s opening date is set for this fall. The magical staff has agreed to respond to concerns via old fashioned mail requesting all letters include a locket of hair and be addressed to:
UVM School of Sorcery
33 Maleficium Way
Burlington, VT 05405-0666
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.