Bananas: UVM to open new Pfizer School of Sorcery 

by Johnny Bananas

With a generous grant from global pharmaceutical giant Pfizer the University of Vermont announces plans to break ground this summer on a new School of Sorcery.  

Eager to capitalize on a generation still under the spell of Harry Potter, UVM plans to be the first to offer a Bachelors in Divination, Sorcery and Magic (BDSM).  Applications for the school have already been flooding in as competition for the limited number of thirteen spots intensifies. 

Some concern over the claims made by applicants has the registrar’s office working over-time to verify them. One hopeful student reports they have already defeated multiple dragons in the Forbidden Forest behind their house in downtown Los Angeles while others claim to have conquered entire armies of trolls – not on the internet, actual trolls.  Another hopeful matriculator says they have a gnome farm. 

“We take our jobs as witches and warlocks very seriously, so it’s a little unsettling to read some of these outlandish assertions” states incoming Headmaster Molgrom Ridiculi.  “One does not simply defeat a dragon in Los Angeles without years of blood, sweat and magic rituals practiced under the guidance of proper wizardry!”  This has led the staff to require video evidence of “extraordinary claims” while raising some concerns students will use A.I. to generate them. 

Among the courses offered will be A Guide to Magic Mushrooms, Summoning the Dead to Vote, Warlock Robes and Wardrobes and Hexes, Curses and Writing in Cursive.  The course with the most applicant interest is in Black and White Magic, however UVM’s D.E.I. board chair Sha’Karen Finkelworthy (she/her/shay/sho) says the name is problematic. 

“Why black magic gotta be the evil one? Can’t nobody tell me!” Miss Finkelworthy crows as she waves her finger back and forth at the new staff, who appear to take the gesturing as a challenge.  We reached out to Miss Finkelworthy for comment but were told she was unable to report to work after waking up covered in boils.  

Still the excitement over the new school has many wondering about the forthcoming building.  The architectural plans look to be early 14th century gothic in design, which has other area residents complaining. 

A recent letter to the editor included the following statement from Sandy Plumbottom, board chair of a nearby subdivision: 

“We have a Home Owners Association (HOA) covenant and this violates the building code for our neighborhood.  It strictly prohibits non-eco friendly structures and the color code only allows earth tones, with the exception of yellow and blue paint if you stand with Ukraine.  Or rainbow décor if you have a pride member in your family.” 

Bananas Media reached out for a follow-up interview with Miss Plumbottom and were told she had been committed to a nearby sanitarium after being spotted crawling around her front yard clucking like a chicken.  

Despite the hotly contested venture the school’s opening date is set for this fall.  The magical staff has agreed to respond to concerns via old fashioned mail requesting all letters include a locket of hair and be addressed to: 

UVM School of Sorcery

33  Maleficium Way

Burlington, VT 05405-0666

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.

Categories: Satire

4 replies »

  1. This is absolutely great news! I might also add it really amazing their funding sources are actually in print. Now one might ask why would a Vermonter be so beside himself over this unusual alliance? Well I suppose the truth, as I see it, will come out sooner or later.

    My gut feeling is that we are going to see mass transformations in this Blue Socialist State sooner than later in all governmental, Medical, Judical, and educational levels of this Socialist State. Why would this be?

    I’ll just suggest what ,I kind of think, is on the horizon; actually, this change has been crawling like a snake in the darkness for decades, slowly slithering up to it’s prey. Then in 2020 the snake broke out of it cover and made for it’s prey which it has been stocking for Decades. So you ask why 2020?

    Well that’s when it came to the forefront that elections in Vermont just may not be what everyone thought. Then a Questionable flu broke into the social scene and a strange thing took place in the Governmental and Public Medical Community all were in lockstep agreement IMMEDIATELY. Restricting the public from purchasing decades old medicine which would hit the flu with a one two punch and forcing upon the questionable hospitalized patients a protocol that seemed to kill most of the patients. In fact the cure which was required to be used, if my memory serves me correctly, was pulled many years ago from clinical trials in Africa for it’s over 50% mortality rate? Hum???

    Oops almost forgot our Judicial System who didn’t just trample on our Constitution but made it a point to trash this document. A last but not certainly not the least is our crappy educational system over the decades hooked it’s fate to that of the above sections of government.

    My gut says great changes are in process outside of the public eye which will be adapted to a real open society based upon GODS Commandments and our 1776 Constitution and free from SATAN.

    Buckle UP for the ride of our life…

  2. Sadly, although this satirical piece was somewhat amusing to read… I discovered I wouldn’t actually be surprised if it had some truth. That’s how far gone I see some of the members of our society have gone. It also saddens me that it appears impossible to just enjoy a humourous work any longer. Too often t ends by coming true.

  3. Aw man you got my hopes up for nothing, I was really hoping someone could fight the libtard trolls in the Statehouse

  4. I needed a laugh!
    I can’t stop reading the part about Sha’Karen Finkelworthy (she/her/shay/sho), why black magic gotta be,…, and the covered with boils part!! It honestly makes me laugh everytime! Heck, I can’t even say, she/her/shay/sho without cracking up. It just sounds so funny and foolish.
    Oh and ‘curses and writing in cursive’?! Very clever.
    This was a good one! Thumbs up Mr. Bananas.