Satire

Horrors! Conservative fear flicks open for Halloween

by Johnny Bananas

Following the success of their feature film hits Run, Hide, Fight and the Shut In, the crew at the Daily Wire have their sites set on Halloween.  Though conservative horror film is a relatively new genre, they are confident there is a viewing audience awaiting their latest offerings. 

“We’re living through a live action horror story every day under Biden,” quips co-founder Ben Shapiro.  

“We’re literally moments away from a transgender president leading us into World War III – what can be more horrifying than that?” rejoinders his counterpart Jeremy Boreing. 

Not content with simply making films which appeal to their conservative base, they hope to use horror films to connect with their leftist critics and turn them into fans. 

Believers in the American dream ready to capitalize on the current American nightmare, the two entrepreneurs are excited about their latest list of movies slated to hit the online box office in time for Halloween. 

Don of the Red features conservative talk show host Steven Crowder in his acting debut as Donald Trump turned zombie after a series of failed COVID-19 booster shots infect him and a massive crowd of supporters who likewise get the free vaccine boosters at one of his rally’s outside of San Francisco.  The undead flesh-eating horde stumbles into the streets of the Golden Gate city where they attack the citizenry until a small band of gay men are left to defend what remains of humanity only to realize they can’t procreate.  This dystopian nightmare also features cameos from Nancy Pelosi and Gavin Newsome. 

The Texas Ballot Box Massacre takes place in Austin, Texas where the local Democrat operatives plan to steal the election. Utilizing the strategy uncovered in D’nesh Disouza’s film 2,000 Mules, the bold liberals set out to stuff the ballot boxes only to find out the hard way Texas law allows citizens to fire at will on those committing election fraud.  A blood bath ensues around the city as armed bandits stake out ballot stations waiting for the right time to bring swift justice.  Starring Ted Nugent and Alex Jones with cameos by Herschel Walker and Larry Elder. 

Nightmare on Carlson Street sees Gina Carano playing Jennifer Lawrence who is taunted and haunted by nightmare stalker Tucker Carlson.  Set in suburban Louisville, Lawrence aspires to leave her conservative roots and head to Hollywood where she hopes to realize her dreams only to be confronted with the ghoulish fiend Carlson.  Carlson tortures the poor woman with lengthy monologues about foreign policy, ridiculous elitists and border security all while laughing hysterically as she begins to unravel.  She appeals to her family to get her help only to find they believe in Carlson and every word he says.  The surprise and tragic ending to the film takes place at a fish house overseeing the Mississippi river. 

Carlson is ably played by Jim Carey and the cast includes Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie as Lawrence’s racist father and fascist sister. 

Borrowing the plot line from Stephen King’s Carrie, the thriller Karen is sure to turn heads and induce vomiting.  Starring Kathy Bates as Karen, the film is a whirlwind tour of the daily life of an underappreciated woman whose need for authority can only be obtained by force.  

Set in the small coastal town of Naples, Florida where she terrorizes the locals into living right, Karen is more than just a rebuke of modernity and the lack of politically correct values.  This movie is a commentary on why some people are better than others and why that age old axiom is worth killing over with an axe.  Co-starring Whoopie Goldberg as the loyal friend with guest appearances by Rosie O’Donnell and Jeb Bush. 

No Safe Spaces is a psychological thriller starring recently transitioned Eliot Page as newly matriculated freshman who finds her college campus is filled with free thinking people who dare to dialogue.  Page’s fragile sense of identity is challenged in class by an unsympathetic professor leading her to seek the safety and solitude she had back in her Seattle high school, only she’s not in Seattle but Hillsdale College in Michigan. 

Page tries mightily to find safe spaces both on and off campus. Yet her attempts are futile. She must grapple with the reality that not everyone agrees with her.  Co-starring James Woods as the professor, this film will leave you squirming in your seat ready to run for the door once its over. 

The Blue Pill is another psychological thriller that goes after alpha males who are overdue for a comeuppance.  Three middle-aged conservative men all living in the liberal enclave of Madison, Wisconsin share a common suffering – erectile dysfunction.  Targeted by their Facebook algorithm, they all take a chance on this little blue pill which promises hours of masculinity – only to find the secret plan of its left-wing chemist is the opposite. 

Rather than launch them into testosterone fueled erotic sessions with their disenchanted spouses, the pills change their estrogenous M-RNA turning them into soy latte drinking beta-males with a penchant for art shows and drum circles.  This character study sees the men all slowly descend into a liberal hell they cannot escape as the blue pill creates its own addiction by slowly and methodically turning them into sensitive girly-men.  Starring Kurt Russell, Sam Eliot and with Jeff Goldblum as the evil chemist, The Blue Pill will have you begging for the Red Pill.  

Which of these movies would you most like to see from the Daily Wire?  Please let us know in the comment section below. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened.

Categories: Satire

Leave a Reply