Satire

Hell begins construction on border wall

Concerns that expected large influx will impact 7 million degree climate

Current gates of hell inadequate against expected influx in coming decades

by Johnny Bananas

A spokesman for the Underworld Safety Council took the podium in Hades earlier this week to explain to an eager press corps why they have begun construction on a new border wall. 

“We like to keep it a reasonable 7,000,000 degrees down here. However, with the sudden influx of people we anticipate over the next fifty or so years, we anticipate they will bring some form of climate change with them,” offered Center for Climate Control Director Beezlebob. 

When asked how this would stop climate change, the answer was simple: “We’re not letting anyone in for a while. It’s about the safety of our current residents, really,” he said over the gnashing and wailing of area residents, who seemed to be writhing in approval.  

A new green initiative has run into some snags.  Local boss Satan decreed each resident must plant a tree to stabilize the rise in CO2. However, the saplings lasted mere seconds before bursting into flames. A local who wondered aloud if they couldn’t do something about the miasmatic Sulphur smell has since been relocated to the Nether Region for a “summer vacation” where he will learn the value of keeping his mouth shut.  

Building of the wall is underway. However, a deadline is uncertain as the contractors hired to do the work are all from Vermont. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened.

Categories: Satire

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