Satire

FBI Confronts Mike Lindell, Dangerous Leader of Jan. 6th Pillow Fight Gang

man and woman having a pillow fight
MP20 pillow fighting training session. Photo by Los Muertos Crew on Pexels.com

by Johnny Bananas

The Minneapolis field office of the F.B.I., fresh off of ignoring months of rioting, looting and other federal crimes committed against American citizens, were finally able to track down domestic terrorist Mike Lindell.  Lindell is the owner of the My Pillow Co. and supplier of the Jan. 6th pillow fight that took place on the capitol steps and carried into the foyer.  Several injuries were reported including two sprained wrists and a mild headache. 

Lindell, whose personal story of redemption in Christ has been overshadowed by his antics of gathering evidence the 2020 election was stolen, couldn’t leave well enough alone and returned to his life on the mean streets by taking his My Pillow overstock inventory forming a gang highly skilled in the dark art of pillow fighting.  As can be seen in the doctored footage of the January 6th insurrection, several hundred MP20 gang members can be seen assaulting officers and mostly innocent Antifa members as they gathered peacefully to counter-counter-protest the counter-protest they staged to co-opt the Jan 6th protest.  

“The uniquely designed pillows not only deliver the finest night sleep you will ever experience but can also be used to terrorize anyone with the temerity to assault the freedoms of Americans” warned Lindell, who has so much overstock of pillows since being dropped by woke retail outlets the F.B.I. is concerned MP’20 gangs will be forming across the country.  

“Since we haven’t been able to charge anyone with insurrection we are happy to report pillows can be considered violent weapons in the right courtroom.  We are hoping to move this case to the 9th circuit Court of Appeals or another court friendly to our case so we can put this dangerous individual behind bars where he belongs” declared special agent Reed Carthage (they/them).  

Lindell is currently in negotiations with state and federal penitentiaries around the country looking to unload the rest of his overstock pillow inventory.  Insurrection level pillow fighting carries with it a minimum 10 year sentence. 

Johnny Bananas is a fake news reporter living in Vermont.

Categories: Satire

2 replies »

    • It’s likely the patented interlocking pillows on Percale sheets are enough to make even free men dream pillow sellers are a threat and communism can actually work.

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