by Johnny Bananas

In an attempt to stay ahead of the rapidly advancing race wars and other social unrest they’ve been planning, the F.B.I. has announced the development of two new elite units called the Storm Troopers.  

When asked about the inspiration for the new crime fighting team F.B.I. Director Christopher Wray explained they were an homage to one of his favorite historical memories, the movie “Star Wars”.  

“We all know about the coming race wars and mass shootings, so I figured what better way to be prepared than to train up some of our most capable agents and pay tribute to the greatest movie franchise of all time?” the director explained over Zoom while donning a shiny new helmet gifted to him by Nike. 

When asked about the other historical context for Storm Troopers, namely the German Socialist Workers Party (a.k.a. The Nazis), and whether or not the name might be considered insensitive, the director peered deeply at the questioner from his icy blue eyes responding “Nein, uberhaupt nicht, what a silly question!” turning to his lovely assistant who was shaking her beautiful blonde hair in disbelief. 

The room full of reporters was then shown a short promotional training video featuring footage of live action drills the teams have been conducting around the United States.  In an attempt to give the super troopers real life opportunities to test their skills the teams were unleashed on a variety of public individuals who, though not posing a threat nor committing any crimes, offered the kind of scenarios the teams expect to face in the weeks ahead.  

One unit was asked to bravely confront a father of seven who had the audacity to participate in a pro-life event with his son, setting a poor example for children everywhere.  The unit was able to surprise the dad in his home at breakfast-time before he could go out for another day of terrifying free speeching. 

“There are a lot of bad people out there and it’s getting worse.  One nut was standing near a pride parade reading the Bible!  We knew it was only a matter of time before he started thumping people with it – innocent people just trying to do a little bump and grind for the kids, y’know? That kind of aggression will not stand, man” said new recruit Helmut Von Schnitzelnasi.  

Other successful raids on dangerous persons carried out by the units included the televised assault on the home of Donald Trump’s advisor Roger Stone.  When asked about the tactics used to take down the sixty-six year old promoter of misinformation Storm Trooper Block Leader Aryan Tempertantrum explained they utilize an NFL football maneuver called a “blitz”.  This worked surprisingly well against Stone’s offense, which likes to run everything to the right, with his wife using her man-hands as his lead blocker. 

With a recent increase in funding from their friends in the I.R.S. allocating part of their big payday to the new units, the Storm Troopers will be donning both home and away jerseys.  Rather than the classic all-white with black trim the Troopers will wear environmentally friendly earth tones when on the road while opting for a rainbow pattern “pride-o-flage”, custom designed by Balenciaga, while at home. 

Some concerns over the historically bad shooting performances by the Star Wars special forces are being addressed by the agency.  To the surprise of the attendees they were able to secure the services of long-time gun expert and cinematic marksman Alec Baldwin.  

Also contributing to the high-level weaponization of America’s top domestic law enforcement agency will be Elon Musk, who is donating one dozen light sabers and another one hundred flame throwers in anticipation of the next Waco full of wackos. 

Following a recent press conference President Joe Biden summoned the reich spirit again speaking in front of a diverse and inclusive audience of all black people at Howard University where he warned the listeners the number one terrorist threat we face as a nation is white supremacy.  

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.