If you live in America then surely by now you have heard about its desperate need for diversity, equity and inclusion. Despite its historical reputation as the global melting pot and land of equal opportunity, America has been recently outed by the really-super-smart types in colleges and universities as none of the above.
A brief survey of America’s history, which was desperately in need of revision, reveals the cold, harsh and blindingly white truth that America was built on the backs of the BIPOC (re: Black-Indigo-People-Of-Color) community while the ashen complexioned Euro-centric “founding fathers” looked on with cold indifference, because hey, that cotton wasn’t going to pick itself and they needed some socks for those long cold winters and equally long toenails.
Despite the historical fact that nine out of the thirteen colonies had abolished slavery by the time the constitution was ratified and the founders, though writing openly about their distaste for the trade, some even having let their slaves go free, the systemic racism was already deeply ingrained, because melanin guides the hearts of men. The less you have the worse you are – this is a fact. Just ask the scientists like world renowned race psychologist Dr. Robyn DeAngelo and Professor of Historical Blackness (who is currently totally black and therefore really, really good) Dr. Ibram X. Kendi.
As the vanguard of the new cultural call to “do better” by singling out the most populous and problematic demographic in the country, white people, the good doctors and their comrades have developed a method of leveling the playing field by leveling the hopes and dreams of whitey so as to elevate the hopes and dreams of non-whities. As Caitlyn Jenner use to say before she was a cereal killer, “don’t forget to eat your whities”!
This begs the question, how do you diversity, equity and includity when you are an evil white person? Is it even possible?
Probably not but we’ve got to try anyway, because just like climate change this whiteness is going to kill us all if we don’t start doing something about it. So take a deep breath, hold in that carbon dioxide, and let’s save the country from white folks!
How to Diversity
Webster’s Unabridgeable Woke Dictionary defines diversity as:
- The condition of having or including people from different ethnicities and social backgrounds.
- A variety or assortment.
Thus when you are trying to create diversity, especially in the workplace, it’s important to look for people of different ethnicities and social backgrounds, just like the slave owners did but not as racist. Rather than buy them on the open market you want to pay them to add their assorted and preferably highly melanized ethnicities to your place of business. Now this may sound like judging a book by its cover, but it’s not if you’ve already read the book, right? Remember, it’s racist to think all black or brown people look the same but it’s NOT racist to believe they should all think and act the same – it’s diversity.
Also, unlike the slave owners, you’re not there to boss them around but to learn about their lived experiences and honor their epistemological standpoint because this will lead to increased revenue thanks to Kendisian economics. People aren’t coming to your business for a business experience, they want to hear about your employee’s lived experience. Diversity = profit$$!
Speaking of economics you’ll also want to build equity in the workplace.
How to Equity
The Oxford English How-To-Be An- Anti-White-Racist Dictionary defines equity as:
- Something that is just and fair.
- Justice achieved not simply according to the strict letter of the law but in accordance with principles of substantial justice and the unique facts of the case.
Of course in order to understand equity it’s important to understand the meaning of justice, so when we consulted the Grand Master P-Funk and Wagnall’s Social Justice Dictionary we found:
- the maintenance or administration of what is just especially by the impartial adjustment of conflicting claims or the assignment of merited rewards or punishments
So we thought it prudent to apply the K.I.S.S. principle and change a couple words:
- the maintenance or administration of equity especially by the use of partial adjustment of the claims made by those who have become woke whereby we assign present discrimination as merited punishment for past discrimination by non-woke, in particular, white people
Keep it simple simpletons!
Thus the goal of equity is to level the playing field so everyone is equal, because to truly rid ourselves of whiteness we need everyone to be equal with white people, then they’ll stop being so, so….white! Like the old Chinese proverb says, two wongs don’t make it white.
How To Includity
Of course we don’t want anybody to miss out on these nuveau critical changes which is why we wrap this social justice trifecta up in a big bow of inclusion. As one of the great philosophers of our time, Kamala Harris, says “Inclusion is where everyone who was excluded is no longer excluded… because we include the excluded… so now they’re included. This is inclusion.” OMG she should change her name to Vice President Crystal Clear, am I right?
Of course inclusion doesn’t mean:
white people, or Trump supporters, or Christians, or cis-gendered, or heteros, or nationalists, or Tucker Carlson fans, or parents, or patriots, or Republicans, or libertarians, or the patriarchy, or orthodox Jews, or orthodox Catholics, or biologists, or female swimmers, or homophobes, or transphobes, or the unvaccinated, or truckers, or climate deniers, or Nazis, or anti-Ukranians. Essentially 70% of Americans are not going to be included in inclusion because they’re either white or they act white, and that’s not how inclusion works. Get it?
Just think of diversity, equity and inclusion like you do like a packet of Skittles, tons of color except no white ones. Better yet, a rainbow – all of the colors are represented and they go together as one over-arching symbol bending ever downward, eternally, without a hint of whiteness.
If that’s not clear enough then go read the 42nd chapter of Moby Dick and maybe ol’ Herman “The Sperm Whale” Melville can reel it in for you.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.