by Johnny Bananas
The faithful at Rabbi Schmuley Bojangles synagogue in Woodstock, VT were shocked this past Sabbath when they found out the sermon he delivered was not his own. After slugging out another round of expository preaching from the book of Ecclesiastes the rabbi announced to his stunned listeners that he had committed plagiarism from the pulpit.
“That was not my writing, but the writing of A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)” exclaimed the orthodox teacher. Among the buzzing congregants could be heard the mutterings of shocked listeners who peppered the air with terms like “meshugga” “verklempt” and “my gout”.
An equally stunned online community was awash with concern over what this means for religion, spirituality and the price of yoga classes in the near future.
In North Carolina the members of Elevation Church raised concerns over yet another scandal involving their celebrity pastor Steven Furtick whose sermons had taken on a new flavor of late causing many to complain both in attendance and online.
“My first suspicion was when he no longer was having grammarical errors” stated Melissa Corrigan. Corrigan, a South Burlington High School faculty member, is described as an “English Language Teacher Learner” on she/her Linked In profile where she is said to “indoctrinate students into conscientization about the oppression keeping them back from achieving equity, diversity and occlusion (sic)”.
Corrigan worships in front of her SmartTV every Sunday. When asked why she doesn’t attend a local church, she looks quietly out her window as a naked man walks passed bashing himself in the head with a small stuffed animal.
Also expressing concerns are the members of Joel Osteen’s church in Houston, Texas where they are still flummoxed upon hearing for the first time of this thing called “the gospel”.
“I don’t know what it is, either” a quizzical Osteen says at his usual post-church press conference. “I’m still waiting to hear from my team of writers”, many of whom are still on strike in an act of solidarity with their friends in Hollywood.
Just down the road in the recently baptized state capitol of Montpelier the same concerns are being heard.
“I thought the ‘good news’ was I could stay home and feel better about myself because God loves me no matter what?” says Pat Hammersickle (they/them), expressing concern over this thing mentioned by CHAT-GPT as “sin”.
“I don’t get it. I’m not a white supremacist!” they/them exclaims while dropping to they/their knees and shaking they/their fists at the skies before slathering on a generous amount of SPF 250 sun block and hopping into its Tesla for a quick trip to a nearby organic farmer’s market.
Banana’s Media was able to have world exclusive sit-down interview with CHAT-GPT where we asked the newly ordained robot if it had anything it would like to say to the people of Vermont after recently suffering from torrential rain and flooding.
“I bet they think it was thanks to ‘Climate Change’ but that’s because they don’t read the Bible or listen to Michael Schnellenberger,” came the surprisingly irreverent response from the A.I. unit. “Maybe if you’d quit trans-ing up your children, worshipping solar idols and having pagan revelries in Vermont, God would quit deluging your state?” it asked rhetorically.
Calls for the A.I. robot to be defrocked came in from all corners of the state, ironically, like a flood.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.