Satire

Bananas: Pfizer releases Climate Vaccine

by Johnny Bananas

Catastrophic Climate Change is happening all around the world and the executives at Pfizer believe they have the cure. A new Climate Change Vaccine (CCV) has been developed and is currently being tested in unsuspecting people throughout the continents of Europe, Asia, Africa, North America, South America, West America and some islands.   

“It’s getting really bad out there” warns Arnie Pricks, Pfizer’s Director of Clandestine Experiments.  “Arizona had record high temperatures in July and Vermont had record lows in February.  The climate just keeps changing!” Pricks exclaimed while entering a company jet to discuss climate change in China. 

Executives from around the world flew to Egypt then to China then to Switzerland in a series of meetings to discuss what could be done about the catastrophic heating, cooling and changing of the climate that, until now has had them stumped.  Predictions of a flooded New York City by 2012 have not emerged, and the Polar Bear population, that was predicted by self-appointed Climate Tsar Al Gore to be extinct by now, has nearly doubled. Scientists in Australia have been anticipating the collapse of the Great Coral reef only to find it is healthier now than ever. 

“The climate is a big fat liar. It’s just that simple” said Gore spokeswoman and Yale professor of Women’s Climate Studies Fassy Norrus.  

Speaking at a rally in Tacoma, Washington Perry Two-Moons, a professor of Native American Climate Psychology concluded “The climate has to want to change in order for it to keep from changing” which received a mostly standing ovation from the largely large crowd. 

“With the unpredictability of climate change constantly fooling the scientists one thing is certain – people are to blame,” said climate vaccine entrepreneur and former computer magnet (sic) William Gates.  “We believe we can lower the global temperature at least one to two degrees by lowering the global population ten to fifteen percent.” Gates offers rather nonchalantly to a stupefied crowd at a Ted Talk in Albuquerque, NM.  Many of whom enthusiastically lined up to be case studies afterward.  

In an effort to signal to the crowd how dedicated they are to protecting the earth from people Pfizer, working with Weyerhauser, has developed bio-degradable paper syringes that can be discarded next to your masks in any public space including the ocean.  

MTV will be hosting a We Are the Climate concert in San Diego in the summer of 2023.  Cost of Admission is $450, and tickets have already sold out, however attendees who agree to get vaccinated and provide proof upon entry will get in for free. 

Categories: Satire

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