Satire

Bananas: Science retires / prostitutes hired as paraeducators

by Johnny Bananas
In a shocking announcement, Science has retired from public service. After several years receiving harsh criticism and being hard to follow, Science has decided it’s had enough in serving the public.

Fans of Science are shocked with many turning to chemistry to cope while others are putting their faith in quasi-scientific government programs. Critics say Science was never reliable and had been corrupted by a venal system that forced Science to compromise many years ago.

Science was popular early on in its career with success in the late 70s and early 80s in addressing many scientific and health concerns. Despite some early criticism, Science was even taught regularly in schools throughout much of the past fifty years.

However Science is no longer appreciated, neither are Math or English for that matter, and so the lack of interest and faith in the direction of Science was enough for Science to quit while it was ahead.

Science has said it will most likely spend its last days reading and enjoying time with its family.

Though no longer a biologist, Science looks forward to the sunset of its career with the birthing person it was partnered to some sixty years ago, and plans to catch up on much of the science fiction it missed out on while being Science fact.

Science leaves behind several pandemics and health crises, a rising tide of anti-science movements, three or four controversies, a method, some experiments, and several Beagle puppies available for rescue to the right home or laboratory.

Vermont Department of Education Going MAGA for Math
Taking a page from Drag Queen Story Hour the Vermont Department of Education is seizing the opportunity to put the state’s new surplus of prostitutes to make up for nearly 3,000 educator shortfall.

Math Escorts will now be available after school in participating towns. With a generous donation from the Van Halen Foundation these hot teachers are starting their own MAGA movement: Make Arithmetic Great Again!

Though many of the participating women of the night are not natural math teachers their concern arose by the continued problem with Johns’ and Janes’ inability to do simple math. Basic 10% tips were often coming up short and many found they were wasting precious time doing math for a client when they could be doing someone else.

“It’s kind of embarrassing really. I mean what is happening in public education when we prostitutes are better at math than the average person?”
It’s a fair question and one that the legislators in Montpelier aren’t afraid to answer.

“They are a resource, just like pot dealers. It’s that simple. This is why we de-criminalize and re-imagine a future where sex workers contribute more to the community than just a roll in the hay. We think they can carry their weight if they help our kids carry the one and add it to the total” one progressive legislator explained.

The MAGA: Carry the One program will roll out this fall along the I-89 corridor from Hartford to Montpelier to Burlington.

“We’re just looking out for our future and the future of this great profession. We can’t have the next generation of John’s wanting to use Venmo and not having any idea how to tip let alone use the basic functions of a calculator” explained twenty-fifth year woman of the night Charnice St. Croix.

Parents seeking to enroll their child can do so at the VDOE website and one lucky child will be randomly selected for a one-year Math Escort scholarship courtesy of Texas Instruments.

Johnny Bananas is the pseudonym for a fake news reporter living in Vermont.

Categories: Satire

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