by Johnny Bananas

(The following account was given to Banana’s Investigative Journalism Unit under the protection of anonymity.)

Just this week it’s come out that one time Hollywood darling turned anti-establishment psychopath Russell Brand is a serial rapist.  Was a serial rapist, a while back anyway.  That is before he got re-married, lost his mind and started shilling for the alt-right on the professional misinformation platform Rumble, which is around the time he raped me. 

Brand first exposed himself to me when I was watching one of his diatribes on Bill Maher’s show where he assaulted me and the entire audience that night with violent facts and logic about American hero companies MSNBC, Black Rock and Vanguard.  It’s too painful to repeat but you can watch the entire ordeal here.  Just ask Senator Bernie Sanders who sat there as Russell “the hate muscle” forced himself on all of us.  Bernie did nothing to stop him. 

After that I was simply trying to scroll through my feed on Youtube when there he was again.  Taunting me with his cleverly crafted click-bait headline about what “Bill Gates is doing to fruit now”, and I took the bait.  I’m so stupid.  He then proceeded to thrust his unwanted opinion into my brain no matter how much I yelled “No! No! Bill Gates is a philanthropist!  He would never do that to fruit!”  

I was too scared to report the incident because Russell is so popular online now his following dwarfs even some of the main-stream media outlets, who I don’t blame for going after him and his rape-y misinformation tactics. 

Luckily this information came out before he could continue to ravage people with his wild conspiracy theories and anti-government propaganda.  

Why did it take so long for the media to go and find out he was seriously serial?  Because you can’t just make false claims about something as serious as sexual assault without investigating it for accuracy.  The media knows better than to do that.  That’s about as silly as claiming a woman would pay to make up a sex story in order to smear someone’s reputation. I am reminded of such courageous women as Anita Hill, Christine Blasé-Ford, Alice Sebold, and Potipher’s Wife. 

How many of Brand’s anonymous ex-girlfriends did they need to interview to expose this farce of a human being? Why aren’t there more elder statesmen like Howard Stern, a champion of a women’s right to dignity, who isn’t afraid to take political hypocrites like Lauren Boebert to task?  

Lawyers, who are almost as trusted as the media in this country, finally overcame their stereotype of being lying money grabbers and did the right thing.  They boldly took a high-profile case that would expose them to both public scrutiny and massive amounts of free mainstream advertising because all women need to be believed when dealing with a predator, unless they’re from Florida.  Don’t believe those skanks.  

Thankfully we have a media who understand the importance of reporting as a well coordinated group.  It’s incredibly important that all of the major media outlets are on the same page, with the same messaging, nearly verbatim, when dealing with a super-predator like Brand.  It still shocks me they didn’t report on this earlier when they knew he was a Hollywood playboy but instead celebrated him.  I suppose even the media makes mistakes.  We can forgive them.  

Brand on the other hand has stolen my chastity.  Not only has he caused me to doubt my government and my medical community he has rendered asunder my worldview and discarded it like a middle school issued condom.   This is unforgivable.  

Many have come to his defense with lame cries of “innocent until proven guilty” – blah, blah, blah.  I was innocent too once.  Now I’m Branded for life. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.