Because It's Friday

Martha’s Vineyard makes amends for migrant debacle

by Johnny Bananas

After receiving loads of migrants and criticism for having them deported with military force the residents of Martha’s Vineyard are extending a cilantro branch to the Latino community by having a Home Depot franchise built at the entry point to the exclusive island.  On behalf of the residents the elite island spokesperson Bunny Tisbury offered “This is our way of saying ‘lo sentimos’ for the misunderstanding”.  

The residents intend to break ground on the project this fall with the aim of having it open for business next spring.  

“Martha’s Vineyard is an exclusive island that is all about inclusivity. We realized we needed to have a more welcoming place for the Latin community when they come here” said long-time island resident Edgar Chase-Manhattan.  

A Home Depot spokesperson who prefers to remain anonymous told Bananas News “Home Depots are famous throughout the American south as a hot spot for central and South American migrants to find work as well as tools and building supplies.  Undocumented workers can congregate in the parking lot and contractors can find day laborers at or below minimum wage which stimulates the economy.” 

Attracted by this model the newly formed Martha’s Vineyard Equity council is acting fast on getting the plan in place.  

“The island has been abuzz lately with requests for a decorative wall to protect from climate change. Climate change is going to destroy this island if we don’t do something fast.  This has nothing to do with keeping the brownies out.”  

The plan is to offer several low paying seasonal jobs to the next surprise group of migrants bussed in from out of state to have them build the wall with materials easily obtained from Home Depot.  Not only will this help against climate change but it will also cut down on the recent rise in illegal immigrants coming to the island that barely has enough resources for its tiny population of extremely wealthy residents. 

Not satisfied this will provide the necessary reparations given the national outcry over the recent mishandling of migrants the Equity Board has included in the plans to have a micro Taco Bell drive up window attached to the Home Depot.  

“We understand the need for diversity at the Vineyard” bragged the 1/182nd Hispanic board director Chauncey Acosta. 

None of the fifty migrants recently deported from the island were available for comment as they are currently being detained for processing in maximum security barracks at a nearby Air Force base.

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.

5 replies »

  1. ” Climate change is going to destroy this island if we don’t do something fast” – that’s just Progressive babble that translates to “Let us seize the wealth from middle-income citizens and transfer that wealth to Progressive elitists” in support of their rule and further institution of their Orwellian world. These people are the worst.

  2. The island is more likely to suffer from subsidence effects than a “huge” sea level rise of 10” over the next century.

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