by Johnny Bananas
The proverbial axiom “the only certainties in life are death and taxes” is no truer than in Vermont. Having become only the second state to pass a “right to death” bill since leftist penal colony Oregon did it back in 1994, Vermont is quickly becoming an end of life getaway for those wishing to fall into the arms of Morpheus for all of eternity.
The “end of life” Act 39 was put into law in Vermont in 2013, but with such a low turnout to hasten death the legislature and Governor Phil Scott decided to extend the courtesy to the rest of the country. With only one other state willing to kill its citizens for the good of the community, and too many people overpopulating other parts of the country, Vermont has decided it’s time to act.
“Have you seen California? It’s population is still growing! Fentanyl, free needles, fewer police and forest fires just aren’t getting the job done fast enough,” lamented state senator and climate affirmer Becca White.
Echoing her concerns was Governor Scott.
“There’s a time to live and a time to die, you know? It’s in that song from the 60s, and I couldn’t agree more. Here in the verdant pastures of Vermont we want to help you die, especially if you’re becoming a tax burden, ” said the robust executive sitting atop a custom carbon fiber bicycle where he took first place out of all the current Vermont state governor’s in that day’s race.
Despite being the picture of health, Governor Scott is just as concerned with the picture being painted by Vermont when it comes to suicide, which is why he simultaneously signed H.230 into law. Citing the heading from the state website this (Act 45) is “An act relating to implementing mechanisms to reduce suicide and community violence”.
“The message we want to send here in Vermont, not just to our people, but the rest of America is – don’t kill yourself, let us do it for you,” a concerned Scott told the room full of state approved reporters.
This message is consistent with that put out last year, when Vermont became the first state to make it a constitutional right to kill the youngest of its citizens – defenseless, unborn babies.
“That bill passed itself really, ” commented Representative Gabrielle Stebbins (D – Chittenden 13). “We believe in a woman’s right to choose. I didn’t choose to get pregnant. Besides, babies are expensive! How am I supposed to afford one of those and a Venti mocha frappacino with a double-shot of espresso after my Peloton class?”
Vermont has now bookended its suicide solution into a cradle-to-grave, soup ladle-to-grave cottage industry. The strategy appears to be making money on the front end and the back end, while keeping the earning class alive long enough to pay taxes.
“It’s a real stroke of genius. Babies don’t make the state money if they’re alive, and neither do old people” commented Daisy Berbeco (D – Chittenden 21).
She continued, “In Vermont our government model is a for profit business that allows us to pay for helping people who are struggling. Technically ‘Marxist-socialism’ if you want to give it a name.”
Finally adding, “If we don’t get enough tax money older people might freeze to death without the heating supplement. Vulnerable citizens might starve, and addicts might accidentally overdose. This allows us to save them from those tragedies by strategically killing those more fortunate and having healthy taxpaying Vermonters pay for it.”
Who wants to argue against that kind of logic?
“We are literally making a killing out of making a killing!” said an ebullient Governor, countenanced by his grinning face.
As they say in Canadia – c’est la vie.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.