Satire

Bananas Academy presents: Putting the You in G.U.R.U

by Johnny Bananas

Are you so special it’s impossible for others to detect?  That is, are you so far above everyone else you feel like you’re in a low earth orbit?  Are you low on funds but high on self-confidence?  Then you’re ready to become the next first ever to do-it-your-own-way G.U.R.U., thanks to the Bananas Academy special G.U.R.U. formula! 

Internet gurus are a dime a dozen these days. Less than a penny, adjusted for inflation. At Bananas Academy, where, unlike the other guys, our Ferraris are real and our mansions even more realer. We will show you how EASY it is to become a millionaire, or a billionaire, from the comfort of your own couch.  

Remember though, it’s not about the money. You’re better than that.  It’s about what money can do for you, as opposed to what money currently can’t do for you. 

Sound too good to be true? There’s a reason for that. 

Unlike those other narcissistic liars with their white boards and complex formulas of spending hours online making expert “content” and insane suggestions like reading books (who has time for ANY of that stuff?), our Bananas Academy G.U.R.U. experts will teach you THE SECRET to unlocking your full potential by untying the purse strings of your gullible neighbors…without getting off the couch!  We guarantee* it!

Not sure yet? Neither was Brian when he first watched our ad.  You see, Brian is a Psychic Wrestler who wasn’t making ends meet.  After just one week using our patented G.U.R.U. technique he is now earning six figures A WEEK! Can you say psychic body slam? 

Still not convinced?  Neither was Linda.  After years of scraping by as a Licensed Nuclear Midget Naturopath she was ready to quit until she heard about our phenomenal G.U.R.U. method.  Linda now spends her time at the beach sipping Mai Thais and reading soft-core romance novels using $10,000 bills as bookmarks – sorry midgets! 

We guarantee you their level of success is not typical, but that’s why we use them to give you the absurd amount of hope you need to become a G.U.R.U. Why settle for less? Are you going to let a little thing like reality keep you from your dreams? We hope not!  Don’t let us down. 

So, if you’re ready to go further into debt in order to get out of debt, today is your lucky day!  Our scientifically, evidenced-based, patented, proven and guaranteed* G.U.R.U. method is just a few clicks away. 

Sign up for our free one-hour seminar where we teach you how to:

  • Gullibalize the givers 
  • Utilize the useless
  • Reel in the unrealistic 
  • Upend the endless supply of idiots 

What are you waiting for when you could be making a million dollars RIGHT NOW!  ALL CAPS MEANS WE’RE MORE SERIOUSER THAN YOUR LOOMING HEART CONDITION.  

Sign up today with a friend and get TWO free one-hour reel-in intro videos where we teach you how to reel-in the millions by reeling in the minions.   WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!

Bananas Academy is ready to put the YOU in G.U.R.U. if you’re ready to put the G.U. in gullible. 

(click here to start making your millions)

*Banana’s Academy is a subsidiary of Banana’s Inc. and Banana’s Worldwide Global Universal.  All guarantees are limited to the NUGAT Charter (Non-guaranteed Universally Guaranteed Agreement Thing) on Guaranteed Non-Guaranteeable Guarantees. 

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