by Johnny Bananas

Fresh from a weekend retreat in Bohemian Grove, California Governor Gavin Newsom met with reporters Monday morning to announce the state will be bringing new charges against President Donald Trump.  Citing state statute Vehicle Code § 21955, California’s state Attorney General Rob Bonta is confident they will be able to convict the embattled former president if he ever steps foot in California again.  

“The state of California takes crime very seriously!” a confident Bonta yelled loudly over the sound of sirens from the steps of the capitol building in Sacramento. “California is among the nation’s top states to commit a crime, and we’re proud to stand on that podium,” Bonta continued as a small gathering of reporters turned their cameras to a nearby Lululemon store that was being pilfered that same moment. 

An incredulous president Trump was asked to comment. 

“Everyone knows California is a craphole.  Literally.  The piles of waste all over the cities, like San Francisco, are bigger than the piles running the state in Sacramento.  Have you been to San Francisco lately?  Huge piles.  YUGE.  Very big. They literally have an app you can get on your phone for avoiding them.  It’s called the SnapCrap App. It’s unbelievably bad.” 

When asked about the charges Trump told reporters “I haven’t been to California since my 2016 run for president, where I won in a landslide over crooked Hillary.  Did I jay-walk?  You have to in that city (referring to San Francisco).  I didn’t just jay-walk, I had to jay-walk, skip and jump across just to avoid the people patties all over the street!  It’s disgusting what they’ve done to that beautiful city.  Somebody should ask crazy Nancy about it.” 

Governor Newsom is rumored to be making a run for the presidency which seems to explain his recent foray into seeking public battles with both Florida Governor Ron Desantis and now Trump.  Newsom recently threatened to charge Desantis with kidnapping for sending over a dozen migrants to California without even a courtesy call. 

“He’s a small and pathetic man,” Newsom tweeted of Desantis over social media from the Governor’s mansion some three thousand miles on the other side of the country.  “He had these brown people dropped off at a local church I had closed down and didn’t even bother to tell anyone.  I’m so mad I could just spit!” which he proceeded to do repeatedly into his hand as he ran his fingers through his hair. 

A reporter for OAN news wondered it Newsom might find room and board for the migrants at his palatial winery which was allowed to remain open under COVID while others were forced to shut down. 

“We’ve already met our quota.  Maybe they could try Martha’s Vineyard? I hear she’s hiring,” Newsom chuckled holding up the latest swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. 

Another reporter for Newsmax pressed the governor on the Biden administration’s policy of letting millions of migrants into the country, flooding small towns in Texas, Arizona and New Mexico, also without the consent of their people. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, but those are red states so who cares,” Newsom retorted while motioning to his security team.  The reporter was immediately ushered into a large black SUV and taken to a remote location for “processing”.  

Newsom, a recent keynote speaker at the Bill Lumbergh School of Leadership, has announced he will run for president in 2024 if his bid to be the anti-Christ is unsuccessful.  

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.