Satire

Bananas: Investigation drops the hammer on Pelosi MAGA assailant

by Johnny Bananas

When I heard the news about the horrific tool related attack on Paul Pelosi the other day I immediately smelled a rat and knew something wasn’t right.  So I did some investigating and as I suspected…

The man is first of all white and male, which means there is a nearly 100% chance he is a Christian Nationalist / MAGA Republican.  

Imagine my shock when I found out he was in San Francisco, i.e. MAGA country.  Never mind he was an illegal immigrant from Canada. 

The pieces were falling into place; white, male, San Francisco, illegal Canadian immigrant.  

Butt weight, then it emerges the man is a practicing nudist, which any fully clothed person knows is the goal of all Christian Nationalists – to return to the Garden of Eden completely naked.  

He even believed he was Jesus – does this not scream completely insane Christian Nationalist MAGA maniac? 

What’s more – he was staying in a collective run domicile with a BLM flag out front.  Can it get any more obvious – this guy easily could have been Donald Trump himself if he wasn’t already Jesus. 

However this flag loving group of super Frisco freaks also had a rainbow flag as well, which we all know is a dog whistle for Christian Nationalism since we know they worship the God who made the rainbow.  How much evidence do we need here folks?  

How about his Joe Rogan (re: far right) proclivity to take and advocate hallucinogens?  We seem to have an open and shut case.  Only there is more.  

He was in his underwear, at 2am which, if I’m not mistaken, was the exact time Trump tweeted out his last tweet about Nancy Pelosi while ALSO likely in his underwear.  Not to mention he was wielding a weapon, just like when Jussie Smollett was attacked by those MAGA country black guys from Nigeria with a rope at 2am, in Chicago while out to get subway.  Just like they called out “This is MAGA country” Jesus Depape was asking “Where is Nancy? Where is Nancy?”  The similarities are eerie – to January 6th!  Am I right?!

However the cherry on top was his blog where he was writing about Qanon, which we all know is as MAGA-LOMANIACAL as it gets.  Jesus clearly was on a mission from God to deliver the country into the hands of Donald Trump, the evidence couldn’t be more clear.  Never mind the articles on the site oddly were written before the blog was online, because evil genius like this plots its course carefully, over time.  These family loving hyper-patriots play the long game.  Like Satan they never take a day off and never take a play off.  

So, Vermont AND New Hampshire, please, send your thoughts and prayers to Jesus (not that one!) for Paul Pelosi who thought he was being visited by a friend only to find out he was being beaten over the head by the Lord of fruit of the looms.

Luckily the Pelosi’s are American royalty and have made enough chasing the American dream by using politics to create massive personal wealth. He’s likely to be able to pay his medical bills and have a full recovery. 

Thank God the San Francisco District Attorney had the good sense to ban all media from looking at the body cam footage or hear the recorded call or see any of the security footage where the usually robust Pelosi personal security team were having a bad night and somehow let this guy through.  Nobody wants to see or hear that anyway.  

God save our socialist Democracy (but not the Republicans). 

#ThoughtsandPrayers. 

Categories: Satire

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