By Johnny Bananas
The militant arm of America’s new protest culture known as Antifa announced via social media that they will be changing their name. The group’s name derives from “antifaschistisc”, a 1930s era German word associated with a group of anti-Nazi radicals. It would later be associated with anti-fascist groups in Italy.
After having so much success as the foot soldiers for former Nazis George Soros and Klaus Schwab, from whom Antifa has drawn considerable financial support, the group is rethinking both its name and image. Group leaders, who wish to remain anonymous, have recently given a press release stating they will now go by Protifa after three straight summers of success and support by both the US government and many US corporations.
“Fascism sucks until you can use it for your cause” said one member who was recently released from jail after serving six hours of a twelve year sentence for arson, armed robbery, vandalism, and child molestation.
Also seeing a change are the all black uniforms with black facemasks worn by Antifa members since the early rioting in 2016. New corporate sponsors Adidas will be making a lighter, more breathable black jumpsuit with white pinstripes borrowing a page from 1950s mobsters, coupled with a sensible street shoe complete with steel toes and heel compartment that can hold small explosives or up to a 3” blade.
Dartmouth college historian Mark Bray, author of Antifa: The Antiefascist Handbook has given his blessing to the change.
“Antifa is ready to go pro!” said Bray. “Protifa is a much more positive message, and one we hope will inspire kids to look to us for role models.”
When asked if he was concerned for the children’s safety due to the pedophiles among Protifa’s ranks he stayed true to his positivism commenting “Absolutely not. If anything it will lead to member retention at both ends.”
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.