by Johnny Bananas

Reports of a new underground railroad spiriting people from captivity on the west coast have emerged in recent days.  Families, mostly white, conservative and/or Christians, are leaving in the dead of night via a network of rural routes and safe houses. 

It is still uncertain where the railroad began with many claiming California, others Oregon and still others certain it started in Washington.  Sitting around a campfire several of the investigative journalists covering the story bandied around the likely genesis. 

“California just legalized sex with minors and no one can find a decent script writer” pointed out one anonymous camper. 

“Yeah but women in Portland, Oregon are being beaten by homeless people yet it’s illegal to box a kangaroo!” another voice cried out from the shadows. 

“That’s nothing, Supreme Chancellor of Washington, Bill Gates, just funded super ticks that make people allergic to meat and the state banned lollipops!” decried another incredulous reporter. 

The erstwhile outdoorsmen comforted themselves by passing around a handle of maple moonshine (which is not only legal in Vermont but encouraged) despite having lost two of their compatriots.  One was arrested for painting his horse and the other for failing to leave his house while naked. 

In an ironic twist the new railroad sees many of its escapees fleeing the north and west while heading south to freedom in hopes of finding a decent Chik-Fil-A.  The thought of escaping to a place where you’re free but not so free you can keep your donkey in a bathtub, as in Georgia, has many packing up to make the treacherous trip.  Some have made it all the way to Alabama where they were protected from saboteurs who were executed for putting salt on the railroad tracks.

Mexico also became a destination for those seeking asylum, including thousands of migrants who had recently crossed into America.  

“Estados Unidos está lleno de locos” shared one passenger as he strode defiantly back over the border.  “Al menos los cárteles no querían que comiéramos insectos y nuestras mujeres saben jugar al fútbol” which was lost in translation since Banana’s Media doesn’t have anyone who speaks native Texan. 

There was some discussion of using one of the original routes to escape to Canada however many of the passengers feared being ruled by fancy lad Governor Justin Trudeau who exercised a limp-wristed iron fist over his citizenry during the pandemic.  Still many remain hopeful as Trudeau’s wife recently had the good sense to divorce him after reports arose she decided she likes men, as does her estranged husband.  

Vermont, once the first colony in the union to abolish slavery, has been rumored to be yet another state ready to see it’s nearly 3% Christian population fleeing to safer spaces like Florida, however time estimates for construction of the Vermont underground railroad forecast well into the 2030’s due to the anticipated wait time for Larry, Daryl and Daryl to finish arguing over the road work after the recent floods.  

At least we in Vermont have the good sense to make sure our women get their husbands permission before getting false teeth and keep those atheists in check by telling them to keep their blasphemy-holes shut about the God they don’t want to believe in.  

Amen.