by Johnny Bananas
After watching their quarterly earnings drop for a seventh consecutive time the masters of programming at Disney believe they have just the venture to overturn their capsizing business. Seizing on the spot soon to be vacated by a failing CNN network that can barely pull five hundred thousand viewers for their prime time programming, Disney has announced they will be launching their latest network named after their iconic fake boy Pinocchio.
“Honesty was the best policy, b-u-u-u-t, as everyone knows, this is the era of mostly honest news,” says a winking Brian Stelter, “So who better to lead that charge than Pinocchio?” Stelter has been made the new head Media Analyst after leaving CNN due to lack of financial support in which the company simply stopped paying him.
Stelter is looking to reinvent his image after taking a pounding over the past five years thanks in large part to fellow media analyst Mark Dice. Dice coined the phrase “little” Brian Stelter while heavily criticizing his approach to media analysis by parodying him using a now famous alto-heavy impersonation. As Stelter’s CNN show “Reliable Sources” plummeted he managed to gain cult-like fame from Dice who’s show was the first conservative Youtube channel to reach 1 million followers.
After years serving as Dice’s punching bag Stelter has an apt new look. Eager to become the face of the Pinocchio Network Stelter recently had plastic surgery to lengthen his nose by nearly five inches.
“Cyrano eat your heart out!” Stelter squeaks in his now famous high pitched tone while holding his profile for all to admire the nearly titanic shape of his new proboscis. “Do you smell that? That’s the smell of success,” boasts the analyst, famous for his mastery of rhetorical questions.
Stelter’s excitement is contagious in the largely wooden office space. It seems his colleagues from CNN are lining up outside to help staff the new media channel. Several former CNN producers, who left over a disagreement about their approach to childcare, are positioning themselves to head up the growing list of shows.
Ludlow, Vermont’s own John Griffin, currently in court over a babysitting mishap, has been tapped to oversee the prime time investigative show The Boy Who Cried Wolf Blitzer, where the show’s titular host spends the hour investigating and debunking children who lie. A trusted insider tells us they have evidence the entire Jeffery Espstein scandal was made up by some high school girls who either had daddy issues or were merely starved for attention.
The late night slot features a new look at today’s adult dating scene with relationship expert Chris Cuomo in the aptly named Cuomosexual. This variety show offers a little something for everyone. The Little Screen to Big Screen segment helps today’s teens learn the ins and outs of online dating as a platform to social media and Hollywood superstardom. Don’t Be A Drag Be A Queen offers tips and advice to young people interested in finding older male partners through book clubs. Lastly, we follow the host around the office in Hands On where we learn Cuomo’s special skills necessary to avoid workplace sexual harassment.
Turning our attention to foreign affairs the network has secured contracts with the formerly intelligent James Clapper and John Brennan in a seasonal series called Clap On Clap Off where they analyze the pros and cons of foreign policy. In a unique twist, a live studio audience helps them decide on policy initiatives such as thermonuclear war, enhanced interrogation and arms trafficking based on their applause. This show is sponsored by Cyphy who produce drones that tether to the ground while gathering the viewer’s private data. Very exciting.
Finally, for viewers wanting some comic relief you’ll be happy to hear about Louie, Loki and Lucy. This sitcom features gay dad’s Louie (Alec Baldwin) and Loki (Kevin Spacey) navigating the struggles of raising their adopted teen daughter Lucy (Amanda Smuttywinkle) as she struggles with being the only white girl in an all black inner city school. Lucy has to confront her own implicit bias as she teaches her dad’s about their white fragility and intrinsic racism as cis white men attempting to gentrify their neighborhood after buying several rental properties and opening a beauty salon. Hilarity ensues as the pale family is forced to confront their privilege in a variety of slap-happy episodes such as Car Jack and Jill, Crackers In A Barrel, and Make America Gangsta Again. Special guest appearances by Rupaul, Minister Louis Farakhan, The Reverend Al Sharpton, and Harley Pasternak are sure to entertain.
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Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.