by Johnny Bananas

It’s beauty pageant season again folks and Banana’s Events Inc. is excited to announce the First Annual Miss Upper Valley Contest to be held October 30^th at the Elk’s Lodge on Main Street in downtown White River Junction!  We are certain this will be the most diverse and inclusive pageant in all of New England. 

All comers are welcome to enter this ground-breaking festival of pageantry and femininity which has been re-imagined to esteem our modern view of what it means to be Miss Upper Valley. 

After receiving nearly four-hundred head shots and fact-checking all of the contestant’s social media posts, we have whittled the final field down to twenty lovely hopefuls to compete for the highly coveted title of “Miss Upper Valley”.  The contestants will be introduced wearing their finest flannel robe which will be followed by a series of competitions we believe will be ground breaking in the world of pageantry.  Who’s ready to SLAY?!

First up will be the guided talent portion where these lovely ladies will get to display their unique gifting and the chance to set themselves apart from the pack.  Here are just a few of the stunning abilities we were able to witness during dress rehearsal: 

• Billie-Joe Trottier will show you how to tap a maple tree in under ten seconds using a Bowie knife and a used exhaust pipe

• Darylina Fogg has not let suffering as a double-amputee stop her from being able to churn butter with her feet 

• Pat Patterson installs internet cabling at high altitudes in high winds wearing high heels

Following that, contestants will be pitted in a series of one-on-one and team events which will include: 

Individual

• Axe throwing

• Arm wrestling

• Who can pee farthest while standing 

• Reading a children’s story while pole dancing under water in a Speedo and lingeree 

Team

• Disassembling and reassembling a tranny (the automotive kind you knuckle-draggers!)

• Tug-o-war

• Royal Rumble Mud Wrestling 

• Powerlifting

After a short intermission our dancing queens will be asked to give their most thought-provoking and insightful answer to one of the most important questions of our day: “What is a woman and how can she/her/it/they/them/xe/xer/fe/fi/fo/fum stop climate change?” 

One final sashay around the dance floor will give our judges the opportunity to apprise the beauties for qualities yet to be appreciated in other pageants such as: 

• Birthing-person hips

• Broad with the broadest shoulders

• Best five-o’clock shadow make-up

• Wickedest tats

• Healthiest Beard 

• Overall package presentation 

We are committed to a free and fair competition which is why we have taken seriously testing each entrant for banned substances which may give an unfair advantage.  (See Table 1.1 for the list of what is banned and unbanned.)

(*Over two-hundred potential contestants were disqualified after testing positive for high-estrogen levels – so unlady-like!)

We would like to thank our sponsors for this event: Partridge Family Moving and Towing, Darn Tough Socks and Boxer Briefs, Nordic Waste Management, Billybob’s Service Center, Four Aces and a Queen Diner and Little Larry’s ‘Roid Cushions. 

So come on out of your lockdown closets and show some support!

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.