Satire

Bananas: Extra-large seats at Planet Fatness

by Johnny Bananas

Planet Fitness is seizing the opportunity to expand their business model with a new gym model focused on body positivity.  Taking advantage of the growing market and growing waistlines of Americans, owners and Dover, NH natives Michael and Marc Grondahl, are excited to announce the opening of a new chain of fitness centers under the moniker Planet Fatness. 

These new body positivity based gyms will appeal to the growing population of Americans who are tired of the guilt and judgment surrounding their corpulence.  America’s current percentage of obese people sits comfortably at 41.9% and expects to expand over the coming years, unless the elite can engineer a much needed famine here in the states.  Barring that, the Planet Fatness model hopes to reel in the big ones with their unique designs and cutting edge equipment.  

Life Fitness has jumped on the bandwagon with their new Recumbent Treadmills exclusively available at Planet Fatness.  Custom designed with extra-large seats and cup holders these treadmills will offer internet access and a variety of video games for the younger generation, many of whom no longer get physical exercise due to P.E. classes being cut from their public school curricula. 

Also taking advantage of this new demographic will be Vermont favorite’s Ben and Jerry who have designed kiosks for members to grab a pint or two of their favorite flavors for that mid-workout snack.  

Bathrooms will have extra-wide stalls and seats with mirrors designed to give the appearance of slimming, complete with retractable queen size beds that fold into the bathroom wall for those wanting a brief nap.  

“This idea is huge – literally” says excited Planet Fatness C.E.O. Charles “Chunky” Kanckles.  “We’re projecting to clear $100 million in revenue our first year” he boasts while polishing off a plate of Buffalo Wild Wings, also contracted to offer a limited menu of items at select Planet Fatness locations. 

For those concerned about the potential for health emergencies Kanckles reassures them there will be portable A.E.D. machines located throughout the facilities, with an oxygen bar and automated wheelchairs available at each entry and exit point.  Blue Cross / Blue Shield will be providing on site medical care with carriers receiving rewards, such as coupons to Chuck E. Cheese and Kentucky Fried Chicken, for annual memberships. 

The Centers for Disease Control are working with Google to embrace this experimental approach to health and well being by taking down all of the internet pages with articles connecting heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and cancer to obesity.  This new practice of info-grooming is just one of the many hi-tech features promised to new members.  

Launch sites include Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Chicago Charlotte and Washington D.C. 

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