Satire

Bananas: As suicides increase, help is on the way from Clinton Foundation

by Johnny Bananas

The devastating rise in the national suicide level has caught the attention of the Clinton Foundation.  One look at the numbers and it’s obvious – it is an epidemic.  Last year suicide was the number two cause of death amongst Americans aged 25-34. 

“This is unacceptable” says Clinton Foundation spokesperson Graham Reaper.  “The only reason this isn’t number one is laziness, am I right?” he asks looking around the front office.  The rapidly nodding heads of his underlings offer confirmation.  

Suicide is no laughing matter.  This tragic end of life option is and should be unspeakable to any sane person, but sanity is not what’s needed when your goal is to champion the cause.   And the champions of suicide solutions have close ties to Bill and Hillary Clinton. 

With each passing year the hashtag “#ClintonBodyCount” has been trending upward.  On the day of Jeffery Epstein’s suicide, where internet experts say Epstein didn’t kill himself, the Twitterverse was overrun with suggestions that maybe the former first family could offer some help. 

“The Clinton family has the distinct honor of over one hundred of their closest allies, body guards, business partners and court subpoenaed colleagues all deciding to take one for the team.  Team Clinton, that is” says Reaper. 

Authorities and experts long have wondered how so many people could manage to squeeze out a second shot from a rifle to the chest or a handgun to the back of the head, or a second shot to the chest from a shotgun while hanging from a rope, or hand gun to the back of the head while hanging long enough to pilot an exploding plane.  

We reached out to several former Clinton bodyguards, twelve to be exact, but none of them would return our calls.  Turns out they’re all no longer living. 

“It’s a little thing we like to call dead-ication.  Get it?” asks a chuckling Reaper. 

Harry Kiri gets it.  The author of Arkancide: The Art of Exiting Gracefully says “It truly boggles the mind the lengths some people will go to say goodbye to this cruel family…err…world”.   

Though competition for the top spot will be highly contested this year with over 12.5 billion doses of vaccines soon to shake things up, the Clinton Foundation is doing what they can to help.  Later this year their Plumbers Unit will be offering a Master Class for those interested in the various techniques they use to ensure the final departure.  All proceeds will be divided between the Vince Foster Youth Scholarship, the Seth Rich for the Poor Food Shelter, and Laura Silsby Children’s Hospital. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.

Categories: Satire

3 replies »

    • Yeah, I guess. Here it is in nearly the year of our Lord 2023, yet I’m somehow living in 1983. So go figure.

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