by Johnny Bananas

A Hartford, Vermont man was found deceased in the driver’s seat of his vehicle this past Friday night. His wife, who had started getting ready for their weekly date night around 4 pm, found her husband dead around 9 pm after finishing up her make up.  

“I asked him to make sure the car was warm because we were supposed to be dining outside and it was going to be in the 50s.  I got a new strapless dress and chamois shawl and didn’t want to freeze” said his immaculately coifed wife, who tends to run cold. 

Not running cold was the couple’s vehicle that was idling in the garage with the door closed as the husband scrolled through that week’s sports scores.  The husband, a life-long New England Patriots fan, had stopped to read an article about the team’s prospects for the year.  Experts have them picked third in the division behind the Buffalo Bills and Miami Dolphins, which may have been too much for the husband to bear. 

“The only thing he hated worse than waiting for me was when the Patriots lost division games,” she managed to choke out through tears. 

A Go-Fund-Me has been started for season tickets and football scholarships for the couple’s three sons Billy, Gronky and Tommy Goat.  He also leaves behind two daughters and a dog, Patty.  

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.