Bananas: Wash your brain for good personal grooming

by Johnny Bananas

Your brain is a super important organ that can be easily overcome with filth, residue and other nastiness that works its way into many crevices of your cerebral cortex (the squishy part you see in pictures).  It’s so important our highly evolved alien master race creators have entombed it into virtually impenetrable skulls to protect its delicate tissues.  Though this works to keep the brain safe, it does not help with keeping it clean, and therein lies the problem.  

There are three apparent access points for getting to the brain if one intends to give it a good scrubbing: the auditory canals (i.e. ears), the nasal passageway (i.e. nose), and the oral cavity (i.e. mouth).  However none of these gives the necessary room to groom, as many have found over the years.  

Third cousins thrice-removed to the Wright brothers, the Wrong brothers developed a brain brush that was meant to pass through the auditory canal and scrub the underside of the pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for executive thinking).  These optimistic non-executive thinkers failed at the world’s first brain brush, however we can thank them for the rise of the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist Medical Degree due to the number of infections they caused. 

Then there was oral fixating doctor Pepe Mengele, a dentist from Uruguay and distant relative to renowned German physician Joseph Mengele who thought up the Brain Banana.  This irrigation style apparatus sought to wash the brain with a high-pressured pump mechanism intended to splash cleansing agent up behind the uvula.  Another disappointing attempt that saw most of its involuntary test subjects succumb to non-submerged drowning but inspired the sport of water-boarding.   

These mechanical failures led to the rise of chemical agents developed by the appropriately named Intelligence Community, who used them in targeted communities.  These super-geniuses were woke before it was cool given their test subjects were African American and other oppressed groups who all needed a good brain washing.  Nicknaming their program MK-Ultra, because why wouldn’t you, they gave generous portions of German manufactured mind altering agents free of charge to help these lower evolved races overcome the stereotype.  If they couldn’t wash the color off their skin to make them look smarter, at least they could wash their brains.  Humbly, they still haven’t taken any credit for it. 

As if it were a coordinated effort, and it most certainly was not because they denied it, which is plausible, secret brain washing outfits began to pop up all over the world.  From Hollywood to Heidelberg these masters of intelligence used all manner of media, medicine and manipulation to find the best ways to clean the inside of people’s craniums without the pain and hassle of having to tell them about it.  This is called psychological philanthropy and the beauty of it? None of us had to wait in line or pay for any it as far as we know. 

We live in exciting times now where these long secret techniques are now available to YOU the consumer!  Here at Bananas Inc. we have distilled some of the top methods and offer them to you today for the low, low cost we will show you after you read another sixteen or seventeen emotionally triggering paragraphs designed to help you make the best decision for both of us based on your deepest fears and desires.  Let’s get started!

TECHNIQUE #1 (Social Clubbing) 

As they say in real estate it’s all about location, location, location.  This means targeting your audience right down to their age, interests, and shopping patterns.  Thankfully our friends at Facebook have done all of the heavy lifting so now all you need to do is either use their advertisement portal or, for a reasonable fee, you can simply buy their private information and SUPER customize your customer base. Awesome. 

TECHNIQUE #2 (Fear Factor)

Top level washers know this if they know anything – fear is our friend.  By using fear we can short circuit the brain from utilizing its pesky prefrontal cortex where it wastes precious time reasoning, and target the amygdalae which is responsible for fear, anxiety and aggression.  With a high pressure wash of constant stimulation of these almond shaped clusters located in the temporal lobes our clients are more easily moved in the direction we want them to go.  Besides, almonds are healthy. Classic examples of this technique can be seen on the nightly news broadcasts to get people to do the current thing.  Not sure it works?  Head back over to Facebook and count the number of Ukranian Flags and “I got my fourth booster shot” profile pictures among your “friends”.  You’re welcome. 

TECHNIQUE #3 (Ether-netting)

Ether is another term for gas and gaslighting is all the rage these days.  Many confuse gaslighting with lying but that’s not at all what I said. Gaslighting is a highly effective and strategic retelling of the events as they should have happened rather than as they actually happened.  This un-genius method allows us to both clean our loved one’s brain while also giving us supernatural control over reality.  Growing in popularity among romantic interests this is the perfect game to play on your next date night. Practice, practice, practice! 

TECHNIQUE #4 (Youth-In-Asia)

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) advanced a technique that not only washed the brains of a select number of youth, but actually deleted their memories entirely.  This radical “new slate” technique helped to keep the population of stupid people (re: unwanted women) under control for years and years.  Until there were too many smart people (re: men) around who oddly wanted the stupid people back.  Though not a top tier technique to be used often, it remains in the repertoire because of its capacity for de-popularity.  What can’t they make in China? Too many women, that’s what!

TECHNIQUE #5 (Pete and Re-Pete)

You love Johnny Bananas and are going to like and subscribe to his articles. 

You love Johnny Bananas and are going to like and subscribe to his articles. 

You love Johnny Bananas and are going to like and subscribe to his articles. 

You love Johnny Bananas and are going to like and subscribe to his articles. 

You love Johnny Bananas and are going to like and subscribe to his articles. 

Wait for it….

There you have it! So if you’re an aspiring entrepreneur of the esoteric arts or simply want to sell someone your worthless widget, these techniques are tried and tested the world over, which is why the world is the way it is today.  People have never been this malleable or open to suggestion and that’s good news for those of us who want to be in control and make lots of money.  So whether you’re an aspiring influencer or think you’re ready to go straight cult leader like L. Ron Hubbard, this road has already been paved for you with good intentions!  

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.

Categories: Commentary

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8 replies »

  1. Absolute GENIUS , Mr Bananas!! Too badthst Lefticle publications like VPR-NPR , Vtdigger and Sevendays( to mindscrub) would gaslight anything you offered to them.

    God bless you work

    • You give me too much credit. Technically I am a sub-genius. IQ is a semi-solid 135. I blame the CIA approved recreational drug use in the 90s on this shortcoming, but thank you all the same.

  2. Technique #2 is totally awesome. Here’s a video describing in detail how to use fear to wash people’s brains safely and effectively:

  3. And just where is the ‘brain laundry’? It’s the public education monopoly. Avoid it like the next flu variation to come down the pike.

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