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by Johnny Bananas
A recent resurgence in womyn getting back to nature has become the hot topics on social media. Social experiments revolving around bears versus men, primal screaming and cattiness calling out in congress and commencement speeches have seen the fairer sex exposing their claws and flaws for all to see.
The age old question of “which would you rather run into in the woods: a random man or random bear” exposed us all to the death defying logic that is feminism. Epitomizing the term “no-brainer” these randy tarts who claim both equality and superiority over men had an about face when faced with being confronted by either man or beast in the forest. Suddenly when the option is nature’s mate or a savage animal that will rip you limb from limb the ladies prefer the latter.
One Tiktoker with the handle @Thottimami69420 explained “you can reason with a bear”. Sure you can, honey. Still others rationalized “a bear will just kill you not keep you in the basement for 20 years”. Which begs the question, who are saving these downstairs damsels in distress? Oh yeah, bears are, when they’re not ingesting kilos of cocaine that is. Clearly men have become utterly useless bags of carbon roving the wilderness lusting after their next victim to falsely imprison. I would say these ladies need to get out more but how can they when the outside is an open air prison? They’re better off staying inside reading Stephen King novels or watching true crime television. As the Scouts say, be prepared.
Similarly, when asked how they felt about the options, bear spokesman Fang Paw agreed with his therapist to publicly comment. It turns out bears prefer running into men over women because “men will just kill you and use you for a rug whereas women will rape you psychologically for years crushing your soul with their passive aggressive and needy jaws of death.” Ok, so maybe bears can reason.
All of this role playing extreme tragedies has led still other ladies throwing caution to the wind and racing into the outdoors for some rage therapy, which unfortunately has not been very popular with local bear communities. Formerly known as primal screaming these sessions valued at $4,000 prove women continue to overpay for things men acquire much cheaper, giving them yet another reason to scream like banshees. In fact, if there are any ladies out there looking to save a buck Banana’s Intensive Therapy & Camping Hideaway (BITCH) sessions can be had for the low-low cost of $2,000 AND we provide snacks.
Speaking of hollerin’ harpies, the top Tammies in Congress got into a shouting match while mired in the middle of mostly meaningful work. Congressional trouble-maker Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-GA) thought it her place to ask an ethics question regarding serial legislation rapist Dan Goldman (D-NY) when her political opponent Miss Thang (D-TX) used the ole “are you that dumb?” baiting tactic that has worked for centuries on man and beast alike.
Representative Greene did her constituents proud by immediately shining light on Miss Thang’s fake eye lashes and the hallowed hall of Congress was just one baby-daddy away from prime time television. Where is Rikki Lake when you need her? After a brief shouting match in a room full of men who forgot how to control angry women the matter resolved itself with some online merchandising and some Crossfit. ‘Merica!
Lastly Kansas City Chiefs three-time Super Bowl winning kicker, Harrison Butker, kicked himself in the footballs as he went on a misogynistic ramble posing as a commencement speech. Though kickers don’t often suffer from TBI due to the league’s protective bubble rules regarding offensive players that didn’t stop this brainiac from traumatizing feminists everywhere with his offensive ideas. Apparently Mr. Butker believes in the fallacy known as “trad-wives” and proceeded to laud them for their fidelity to both husband and home. As if! This type of aggression toward career focused females and Only Fans entrepreneurs created a social media storm that has yet to die down thanks to the sudden jump in empowered women skipping the $4,000 scream-session sign-ups and exercising their first amendment right to rage into a machine. Thank god for the THOT Police.
As a result the Chiefs players rallied around their vanquished kicker who had come face to face with being cancelled by the elite army of estrogenazis. Armed with politically correct platitudes the gigantic men were ever so careful not to poke the mama bears of third wave-feminism by respecting his right to say the stupid things he said though not agreeing with him at all.
Luckily no bears were harmed as a result of all this insanity, which will likely change come August 22nd.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.
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Categories: Because It's Friday, Satire
In 1991 at Suny Farmingdale – my best friend who was a 2nd year student dorming there went for a jog on an early Sunday morning along a trail that led fairly deep into some isolated state-owned property on the campus ——- only to be accosted & sexually assaulted by a lone man she encountered. Fortunately for her she had just recently completed her black belt in Judo & eventually fended him off. Though she was bruised & forever traumatized by the incident, the police never found the attacker. Years later, Laken Riley was successfully murdered in a similar incident by an illegal lunatic. The Gilgo Beach killer apparently stalked and murdered as many as a dozen females. The vast majority of serial killers are men. Every year, thousands of American women are killed by men they either know (in domestic violence incidents) or by strangers. Thousands more are sexually assaulted but survive, though not unscathed. Perhaps these women’s responses to the bear-or-man question wouldn’t seem so comical if statistics didn’t bear (so to speak) testimony to the pathetic reality that there is always a population of dangerous and pathological and predatory men that look to specifically harm women. Since men generally outweigh, out-muscle, and are larger all around then most women, maybe the women’s response ought to be critically examined by this culture as opposed to being mocked.
Now do how many men put themselves in harm’s way to help complete strangers. Who’s getting put to the pointless meat grinder front in Ukraine; a war women in the US largely support? Oh, right, men from 18 to 60. Who jumps into burning houses to save you? Oh, right, men. Who (effectively, at any rate,) enforces the law against the lawless? Oh, right, men. Who gets killed on the job 95% of the time to support women and children? Yep. Men. The fact than men are more physically capable goes both ways, and that’s why the bear thing is as absolutely solipsistic as you’d expect, and worth a bit of ridicule. Bears ain’t saving you. 😄
The tragic incident with your friend is lamentable, and you’re 100% right about men having a sexual assault problem. So much so that more men are raped by men every year than women, thanks to prison culture.
If you look in to the history of serial killers many of them were mishandled by their parents, especially their moms, which is why they went on to attack women. Perhaps the most famous was Ed Kemper who took out is rage against his mom on many women before ultimately realizing it was his mom who he was pretending to kill the day he finally killed her.
Lastly, your point about men be bigger and stronger is keen, which is why so many men and women are protesting the trans-women that, wait for it, women opened the door for and continue to argue in favor of. Like SC Jackson who was appointed as a black women only to not be able to define what a woman is.
So we have women saying “men are sexually dangerous” and the same women taking children to see men dressed as women essentially saying “hey kids, look at this lady’s Johnson”.
You’ll notice men are not coming up with these divisive cultural arguments, nor complaining ad nauseum about being attacked by women. Men fall on their swords and quietly go off to die. Why? Because women weren’t listening to them in the first place.
There’s an old parable about a plank and a speck of dust that applies, to everyone, including women.
Johnny B Good, Johnny be Very Good.
We are all broken, some are dented, some are a completely wrecked from the start, the problem lies in how we try and repair, rebuild ourselves. We are looking for love, often in the wrong places and the wrong forms.
Men do commit more sexual crimes.
Women do commit more financial crimes.
And the oldest trade is sex for money, which really doesn’t solve anyone’s true needs, sex is not love and admiration and money is not love and security, but it’s where we go.
When we are broken, come from broken families, you’ll oft see girls getting pregnant and boys committing crimes joining gangs. Again, looking for love and acceptance. in the wrong places.
People have become very narcissistic or classically known as foolish, thinking of any argument to get what they want regardless of truth. It’s all about me. The latest lie has gone so far as to be enshrined in the Vermont constitution, which will eventually fall under the light of truth.
Our constitution says, what is in the womb is a product of conception, it is not a baby. Because it says this it is only a matter of time before, the courts will have to rule that no man or state agency is responsible for paying childcare, because they are only responsible for only removing the product of conception. It’s one or the other ladies, can’t be making up stuff from thin air…..
And while we’re on the topic of “fairness” in divorce it should be 50% of men and 50% of women get custody…..suddenly if we had to spin the bottle in court on who would get custody there would be a completely different mindset immediately, see because oft it’s about the money. Children are often better off when raised with the father, but for some reason it just doesn’t work out that way.
Sorry….aside from personally being responsible and alone capable for biologically developing in utero & bearing offspring & feeding them from their own bodies – women also are employed by the Armed Services by the tens of thousands, also serve as both firefighters and law enforcement agents, become physicians and attorneys at greater rates than do men, and are accepted at & excel in colleges & graduate programs more often than males. Your made-up stats involving Ukraine & men getting killed at work as compared to women in the workforce are completely unsubstantiated, as usual.
And no, bears don’t save anyone to the best of my knowledge. But they also VERY rarely kill humans and never sexually assault them. So there’s that.
LOL. Look up workplace death & injury. Look up combat casualties by gender. Both upwards of 95% male. Look up the number of women firefighters & police. Then see how often they defer to stronger male colleagues or do things like use their firearms more often because they can’t de-escalate as effectively. They are very easily substantiated statistics.
Look up workplace injuries & deaths, or combat casualties by gender. Look up how many firefighters and police are female, and how often they defer to stronger colleagues or do things like use their firearm more often because they can’t effectively de-escalate. The Ukraine thing is 100% true. 18-60 now. I had to sign up for the draft, or potentially lose my vote. Did you? Maybe we actually put ourselves on the line for you, all the time. For absolutely no thanks.
If all the women in the workforce walked off the job it would be an inconvenience. If all the men in the workforce walked off the job the economy and modern civilization would come to a halt.
What a supremely dumb thing to say.
Absolutely correct, Paul.
Really? Better keep up your supposed good health then, as most medical school grads are women. Most veterinarians are women. More women are graduating from college in general as well as law school. Health Services in the USA are comprised of nearly 75% women. In fact, women in the workforce comprise nearly 47% (that’s very close to half btw, as it appears math may not be your strong suit).
So, switch from that hard liquor to downing some Kefir – as if women leave the workfoce….not only would the entire country COLLAPSE, but your hospital monitor would likely flatline in a jiffy. Be careful when you cross streets too.
An analysis of the all female economy. As a matter of immediate survival, it’s not even close. The veterinarians & doctors don’t stand a chance.
https://www.amazon.com/World-Without-Men-Analysis-All-Female/dp/B0CN94MYTM
You know what would actually kill the economy? if the few people actually showing up for work quit their jobs.
Actually, I distinctly recall The current Governor of VT (last I knew he is still a man) stating that he couldn’t define what a woman was either……The sorry reality is that both men & women suffer equally from mental health problems, men and women buy into leftist insanity such as (mostly) young men tied to Antifa, and both sexes have the equal ability to be abusive mothers OR fathers, though fathers tend in greater frequency to be involved in sexually assaulting minor children more so than do mothers.
The main difference between the sexes tends to be that despite their equal proclivity to be dreadful parents, vote democrat or socialist, or be involved in sexual perversions —- men tend to somehow blame it all on women. The age-old misogynist way.
Men rape women? Women’s fault.
Men cross-dress & parade in front of children? Women’s fault.
Males become homosexuals & serial killers upon adulthood? Women’s fault.
Governor Scott can’t define what a woman is? I guess it’s some woman’s fault too.
Just makes things easier this way I suppose……………………
Meanwhile, for all you VDC Catholics? You yourselves are buying into denigrating the Holy Mother herself who is the only human being genetically tied to bringing forth the Christ child into the world. No male DNA. Merely female.
If you wanna buy into something – try that it has been your Bernie Sanders (also a male since last I knew) who introduced Communism into VT & the entire USA.
S. Lowry: So much courage but not quite enough to leave his “Reply” icon next to his postings, as usual.
Here’s one you forgot when ranting & raving & railing against womanhood — The ONLY reason you suck air is simply because of a woman.
Women conceive.
Women carry.
Women birth.
Women nourish.
Not. men. Not. You.
But you do all start a LOT of wars that result in murder, carnage, rape, & mutilation.
Congrats? LOL.
OK, Kathleen, like I said before, the Reply button is only on the original comment. If you just reply to the original comment, yours appears in order. No one is hiding a button on you. 😂
And while I’m at it a survey of female leaders throughout history shows that they start more wars than men, though in general, my point isn’t that women are worse than men. Just that they’re also not better:
https://qz.com/967895/throughout-history-women-rulers-were-more-likely-to-wage-war-than-men
S. Lowry: You’re the one who doesn’t stand a chance without hospitals or physicians. And as usual, your professions have no grounding in reality.
Oh, and btw, though I know Kathleen, very, very well and much more than mr. Guy Page realizes, but I’m not her. She’s not even living here any more, as neither of u apparently know. But you keep on with your tirades against women…it all is obviously serving you well…
particularly in your familiar relationships as many on here actually do know. More nonsense about your reply button too…it doesn’t apply to your posts.
You’re not fooling anyone.
Kathleen doesn’t live here anymore? That is the best news I have heard in a minute, tell her don’t let the door hit her in the a$$ on the way out
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. With few exceptions. Especially the Godless and the haters of VDC. Enjoy, from Barre…
Male privilege. Some of you don’t even realize you have it.
Can you walk into a bar by yourself and (most of the time) not get hit on by some weirdo?
Can you walk down the street by yourself and not have to look over your shoulder all the time?
Can you check into a hotel room by yourself and not have to worry who noticed?
Don’t scoff at women who would rather meet a bear in the woods. And don’t assume a woman alone in the woods needs “rescuing.” By the way, if she does need rescuing, it’s far, far more likely that a MAN is attacking her than a BEAR.
Saying either men or women are more important to society/economy/survival is just plain silly. BOTH are essential, and BOTH good fathers and good mothers are essential to the raising of well-rounded, well-adjusted children.
Please STOP making sense, JT. The nonsensical cannot comprehend.
Instead, I’ll try: Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s “You just might be a redneck” lists?
I’m adding “If you sit at home trying to find random websites that demonstrate “superiority” of one sex above another” to his litany.
Not to worry Chris…………I learned from the best. Awwwwww…..she always gotcha. And you’re still really chafed! The thing is – you still su** at all this. She was right. As usual.
S. Lowry: You’re not fooling anyone. Especially women, apparently. Try a dating app?