by Johnny Bananas

The great Baby Formula Panic of 2022 is upon us. I am here to reassure everyone, there is nothing to fear – I have the formula for babies. In fact, thanks to recent advances in science and society we have multiple formulas. This crackerjack reporter made it his mission to solve this crisis. He is happy to report the story of the demise of formulating babies is greatly exaggerated. 

The original formula for making babies is still a strong one. You simply need a fertile female and capable male of relative attraction, some smooth jazz, a nice bottle of Merlot and a quiet, dimly lit private area and let the multiplication (that’s a math term) begin. With any luck you’ll have a baby on the way by the next morning. If not most men are champions at giving a woman a second, third and even twenty-third chance until they get it right. Patience isn’t just a name for a woman with strong birthing hips, ladies. 

Thankfully science and social hysteria have collided like particles at CERN and we now have a plethora of baby-making formulas. With men and women no longer encumbered by “gender norms” a simple switching of the sexes ought to yield some results. If the woman is proving barren then perhaps she was meant to be a man and vice versa. Don’t just change positions, you love bugs, change gender roles. Within no time that (wo)man will be as pregnant as the wallets of the marketing team for Calvin Klein. 

Still feeling panicky? Worry not, little princesses. Babies are so easily made we are discarding them by the millions here in America. In case you hadn’t noticed, the formula for babies is so successful our streets are filled with mostly blue and red haired women who can’t possibly stop themselves from making them. Just one look at some of these street mammals makes you wonder how they had a baby in the first place, but their point is made. The formula for babies is such a juggernaut even teams of doctors, clinics, donors, deadbeats and politicians are having a hard time stopping them from emerging on this earth. Having taken the war on babies to its logical conclusion – they must be stopped before they come out of the womb and spread their cuteness and human potential like all of the other unwanted viruses. 

Tired of having real babies? You can even have a Meta baby AND still neglect it in the Metaverse. Have it raised by Meta-video games, send it to a poorly performing Meta-school and sustain it with nutritionless Meta-food – that is, if you choose not to have a Meta-abortion. It’s important that the meta-verse be as real to real life as possible. 

Maybe you’re one of the unlucky ones who can’t have a baby. Well, luck be a baby tonight! Plenty of people have learned how to simply become big babies even after they reach adulthood. These thumbsuckers have all the accoutrement of actual babies while also having the appearance of full grown adults. 

The formula for this is also quite simple. Thanks to the social studies mad-scientists who gave us such hits as grievance culture, one can simply adopt a victim narrative based around what used to be called “life” and, without all of the messy afterbirth, simply adopt a full-grown baby persona. With quivering pouty lips, incessant crying, suckling at the government tit and often smelling like they crapped themselves because like actual babies they are ill equipped to handle the real world, these big babies are almost as useless as the little ones. 

Luckily our neighbors with the funny names south of the border have not lost the formula and they are generously bringing them here to share. For those who can’t bother to copy off their illegal neighbor’s work they are lucky we have a president who is so overcome with babies he can almost smell them, literally. I have the pictures. For a Catholic he is remarkably devout when it comes to babies. 

Speaking of devout the church has also developed a formula for making babies, spiritual ones that is. The rise in this exciting new Bible teaching called narcigesis where everything in scripture is somehow about you and how you are so awesome God killed Himself just so He could have you in Heaven. I don’t know what trimester eternity is in but you must be pretty special if God would off Himself for you, right? Unencumbered by the scriptural admonition by Paul to mature and move from milk to meat (spiritually that is), churches have found the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple for Satan) principle more user-friendly and in keeping with today’s narcissistic culture. Even the flat earth crowd knows the Son was made to revolve around them. 

The last thing we need is these condescending celebrity types like Bette Midler tweeting out to the crying mothers who are concerned about how to nurse their babies “It’s called BREASTFEEDING and it’s free”. Sure, God started the free healthcare idea but we don’t need you rubbing our faces in it, Bette. Do Better. Take those double Ds and put them to use, ma’am. 

She probably voted for that Brandon guy twice.