by Bob Bennett

I picked up my visiting brother at the Burlington airport. After the November presidential election, he bolted from his log cabin in Blissville. Like so many others he claimed he couldn’t stand either candidate, even the winner. He wanted to leave the country. 

Many Vermonters said the same thing – some Republicans: mostly Democrats. It didn’t matter. With Quebec just beyond the border, just like so many whining movie stars, they declared Canada their destination of choice. My brother flew away but only to Florida to sulk in his winter home and ponder his choice of another land.

 Another land? What a surprise he got just weeks after the election.

 “This is the first time I ever had to produce my passport to come to Burlington,” he said. “Wow though, the security people must be profiling. They zipped me through.”  

“In the weeks before the election,” I told him, “Many Vermonters decided not to flee. We were going    to find a way to stay put! Some Vermont dreamers had wanted our senator to be a nominee and were hugely disappointed with the choice of the current vice president. When it finally came time to vote, most people, if you believe in the exit polls, voted against her and the Republican candidate.

 “Remember,” I reminded him, “we were an independent republic back in the 1700s. A few years ago there were a couple of failed attempts to recapture history.”

“We knew that this time we needed a new plan, so even before all the votes were counted, we sent a sortie of Green Mountain Boys in F-35s to buzz the army barracks and the Royal Mounted Police barracks in Montreal and Quebec City. Then a couple of National Guard ‘copters dropped leaflets. Quebec got the message in more ways than one. We invited Quebec to secede from Canada and form the new nation of Verbeque. It would be a double secession. Vermont would secede too. A new nation would be born,

“Down our way it wasn’t that big a deal. The feds always sent us more money than we sent them. With only three electoral votes we didn’t tip any scales for anyone. Washington just said goodbye and good luck. The new U.S. president-elect said our state was just a bunch of lefties so who cares. Knowing him, he could have chosen a stronger statement. (Maybe even one we couldn’t print.)

 “As for Quebec, the rest of Canada never loved it all that much. It once was New France and the whole French language thing irked England and its descendants. Those who arrived from the British Empire often treated the French with disdain. The king didn’t give a fig. He said cheerio. In Vermont we have a great many French-Canadian families. Lots of them still speak French at home. We all get along just fine.

“Quebec had long wanted our maple syrup market and our milk. It’s true that it was always the biggest maple syrup producer but theirs didn’t have the cachet ours has. Together we now control the world market and name our price. Our milk, now without government control, processed here without any other states adulterating it, is the purest on the planet. It commands a high price on the artsy upper west side of New York, in Greenwich Village and impressionable college towns. Our dairy farmers are so happy now that some even plan to paint their barns.

“In exchange Quebec offered to share its hydro power. Hydro-Quebec electricity is only one-third the price we paid for Green Mountain Power. And now we sell some to Boston, New York, Philly and the rest of Megalopolis. We have become the Arabs of the northeast! Because it’s renewable, nearby states will pay any price. Look at what they pay for solar. Plus, all of us get a cut of the take – you know, just like the way Alaskans get oil money. Another good thing: it gives movie stars a place to console themselves.”

Then we drove past a cow pasture and my brother gasped.

“It’s full of cows!” he exclaimed. “Last time I went by here it was plastered with solar panels.”

“Oh yeah,” I said, “with all the hydro for us we unloaded those ugly solar dis-arrays and the blowhard wind turbines that defaced our mountain tops. We’ve got our beauty back.”

Then I explained that we bought out the Quebec leaders with our cache of Vermont Coppers, struck during the 1700s in Rupert. A deer hunter found a big chest of them in the woods there. They are worth millions now. Even one can bring five grand from collectors. As for our two Vermont senators and the representative, they preferred to be in Washington or on some foreign junket anyway, so we paid them off in Coppers and said see ya.

“The towns and townships kept their local governments of mayors and managers and select boards and all. Our new Verbeque national government has turned out to be very business friendly – it’s a newly appointed group of chambers of commerce types. While it’s true they really don’t get a lot done, most Verbequers think that’s a good thing. The old legislature, which our Verbeque president let go, merely enacted a lot of laws that cost us money and restricted our freedom.

“Of course we needed a leader. Our commander in chief is none other than Ethan Warner, a direct descendant of Fanny Allen and Seth Warner. Good old name recognition got him total citizen support and complete acclamation in the last few weeks.

“Well,” my brother said as we reached my driveway, “it sounds like everything is just terrific here and I’m moving back. I want to stay put too.”

“Don’t kid yourself, not everything,” I replied. 

“Lots of Verbequers are already debating whether we should build a wall on our southern border – and make Massachusetts pay for it.

“Secession didn’t end dissension.”