By Johnny Bananas
Funk and Wagnall’s History of Riots, for the learned, recounts the major moments in the past where man took matters into their own hands, typically in the form of rocks.
From the early Egyptian riots engendered by the pyramid building masses who, if not paid at the end of a long, hot work day with early dessert Gatorade called honey mead, would get the attention of their tardy masters with a good bit of recalcitrance.
Early hieroglyphs illustrate these soirees with unmistakable figures making their voices heard in the most democratic fashion. Ironically, this was a big reason for pyramids as they were considered riot proof. The next time you’re in Egypt just throw a rock at one and you’ll see, they just roll right off!
Journeying through time, we see the Babylonians rioting for lack of neighboring tribes to sacrifice (an obvious drawback to killing off your enemies). The Greeks were known to get rowdy when the supply of gyros or dolma’s dwindled, while also being the first to burn down their own buildings. Rome developed some of the greatest counter-riot measures, culminating in the now famous crucifixion method. Followed by the enlightenment era where the French, who literally took rioting to new heights while inventing the fine art of defenestration, only to be outdone by the gruesome yet efficient crowd pleaser – the guillotine.
The United States, though one of the youngest countries in the world, has wasted no time moving to the top of the heap when it comes to political unrest parties. This is no doubt thanks to our founding where the early fathers, when not being racist, are credited with the euphemistically named Boston Tea Party, which modern historical re-revisionists tell us actually began with a non-binary communist name Pat Neugeberger who was tired of being told there was no such thing as almond milk.
Thomas Jefferson, when not counting his slaves, famously enshrined our right, nay our duty, to riot by stating:
“I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.”
You’re gosh-darned right it’s a good thing, Tom.
So if you’re a complete idiot who likes rioting, here are the cutting edge tactics and techniques to ensure you have the most fun while getting your message out and also staying safe.
Rioting is hard work, and often extends into the wee hours of the evening, so it’s important you eat early, preferably a meal high in carbohydrates and simple sugars which create the necessary internal inflammation you need for creating external inflammation. Well established favorites like donuts, sugar cubes and Snickers, preferably eaten together and roughly every two hours to avoid crashing should do.
Hydration is key. Never-mind designer waters that are expensive and cause climate change. The folks at Monster have aptly named their high-energy beverages for this very purpose. If you can’t get any because all of the gas stations in your area are boarded up then the equivalent eight cups of coffee (make sure it’s not decaf!) will do the same.
Rioting in the U.S. is more common in colder climates, so if you’re planning on joining in an area like Kenosha, Wisconsin or Minneapolis, Minnesota in November, dress in layers and do a proper warm-up so you don’t pull a muscle chasing after an innocent person or running from the cops.
Since you’re used to sitting in your parent’s basement or a holding cell, you’re likely to have tight hip flexors and hamstrings. Thus the National Academy of Sport Rioters (NASR) recommend a thorough warm-up to keep from pulling these muscles. They recommend jogging around your area looking for the pre-stacked pallets of bricks, locating the medical tent in case you need a booster shot, then placing your gas cans next to strategically located dumpsters in the poorer neighborhoods targeted for the night’s assaults. Then take a minute or two to stretch. The saying “there’s a method to the madness” isn’t useless sloganeering like “Black Lives Matter”. It’s science.
For safety wear at least one bullet-proof layer so as not to get “Ritten-housed”. The NASR also recommends a brightly colored vest to avoid being run over (see: Charleston, VA riots) and a name tag with either your favorite avatar or other pseudonym such as:
Hello My Name Is: Comrade Purple Pokemon Guevara
*It’s also a good idea to get rioters insurance recently developed by our friends at Progressive. Ask them to include the George Soros/Open Societies rider in case he stiffs you on your payments.
The felonies begin! This is your big moment to etch your place in rioting history. However, don’t take this as license to make it all about you. It’s not. Your psychopathic-narcissism is key to the success of EVERYONE’S rioting, not just yours. If you can read, read that again. Rioting, though anarchistic in nature, is a team sport. Just like you would in your drug-infused drum circles it’s puff-puff give. Don’t be afraid to pass out bricks, refill lighters, or shoot high fidelity footage for your recruitment videos. We’re in this together.
As you parade about, you will no doubt come across wife beaters, murderers, burglars and pedophiles. These are your teammates, so don’t judge them. Take notes. These are the pros who have dedicated their lives to mayhem and lawlessness. This is an opportunity to learn. Use it.
As for targets, go after gas stations, mom and pop stores and restaurants first. Once these people see their hard earned businesses ruined their sense of rage at the system will no doubt encourage them to drop their property rights and pick up a pipe bomb. However, leave at least one gas station open for those making the long trip back to their home state.
Congratulations comrade! All of that hard work has paid off. The city, or town, is in ruins, it’s citizens are terrified, and the rubble and trash leave those who dare to come outside their homes with the constant reminder of your important political message – we won’t just scare you, we will mess you up for life. Now is the time to sit down over a well-deserved pint of beer and/or Ben and Jerry’s and celebrate the inevitable. No matter what it looks like outside, this is how you build Utopia.
Lastly, you will see several news outlets there, like CNN, MSNBC and CBS, filming and reporting on our behalf. Resist the urge to do a victory interview. They have pre-determined story lines that portray us as victims, so you will ruin it if you show up triumphantly declaring our success.
There you have it. If you, or someone you know, is a complete idiot who will be participating in this seasons riots, give them the link to this guide and look for our fund raising merchandise store (made by our comrades in North Korea), which should be out just in time for Candlemas.
JJohnny Bananas is the fake name of a fake news reporter who lives in Hartford, Vermont.