By Johnny Bananas
With the rise of misinformation, disinformation and propaganda intended to combat both, we find ourselves at a cultural moment where purity of thought can be achieved, for the greater good. With selective enforcement of crimes freeing up our justice systems the exciting new field of thought crime has emerged and here is the good news – you don’t need an overpriced college degree in Social Justice Studies to participate. We need volunteers like San Francisco needs Port-au-potties, which is why we’re excited to announce our new MASTER CLASS: The Art of the Cancel.
The constitution was written by men who knew the dangers of language and the joy of secret societies. Which is why they wrote the “greatest governing document of all times” (sorry Mohammed) in deliberately cryptic double-meanings. They were, after all, Freemasons. Which if you’ve ever had the misfortune of being invited to a meeting, you know they are anything but free nor can they do reasonable brick work.
The silly handshakes alone have double-meanings. Ostensibly they seem to indicate a warm greeting but once you’re in the grasp you know, if you’re one of the anointed, what they really mean is welcome to the secret club and I might be a pedophile. This is the language of the new intelligentsia – double-speak – which is so much more interesting than that boring old ‘say what you mean’ crap. We don’t have time for that, and we don’t have time for “truthers” who feel it’s their place to hang on to these outdated concepts like, honesty, integrity and forthrightness. Welcome to the new world of accountability – see what I did there? Wink-wink say no more!
So if you’re ready to join the vanguard, Red Guard or just can’t stand the thought of other people thinking they get to think their own thoughts, it’s time to scan your social media feed and keyboard keys because we’re looking to hit the cancel button HARD.
- In a hurry? How to cancel right Mao
- The Vermonter: Get the Big Cheese & Whine
- Getting it right the first time: A study of OJ Simpson
- Doggy style: Karl Barx pet detective
- The Sting method: messages in a bottleneck
- The ABCs and NBCs of using legacy media
- Zoom meetings or zoo meetings? How to tame the wild animals of free thought
- Tears for Queers: shout, shout, let it all out, these are things you can’t talk about
- Ortho-doxxing: bone crushing sharing of your enemies personal information
- Go Big AND Go home: paying a visit in the wee hours
- Liars and trolls and bots, oh my!
- The Young-Mitchell method: Keep on cancelling in the free world
- Arkanciding: when polite warnings aren’t enough
- WWJRD (What Would Joe Rogan Do)? Apologizing Is For Pansies
- Canceling God: My logical fallacy can kick your logical fallacy’s butt
And so much more!
SPECIAL GUEST SPEAKERS: The Cuomo brothers, both experts in canceling and being canceled.
Early morning session:
9-10am – former Governor Andrew Cuomo on how to cancel a voting base during a pandemic
10-11am – former CNN anchor Chris Cuomo on using fake news to cancel a president
11am-12pm – Hot yoga meditation session: harnessing your hate chakra
12pm-1pm – Lunch
- Option A: lox and cream cheese with charcuterie
- Option B: vegan chili with crudités
1pm-2pm – Brothers Andrew and Chris Cuomo co-present: “Positioning Yourself – How To Get Laid While Getting Canceled”
Cost: $250 (sorry not sorry – we don’t accept Bitcoin fascists)
Location: Northeast Antifa Headquarters (a.k.a. Kyle’s mom’s basement)
Date: March 4th
SPECIAL NINJA OFFER: Get another attendee canceled from this event and you and a friend get in FREE!
*DISCLAIMER: Failure to provide proof of government ID will result in your spot in class being canceled without refund.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont.