By Johnny Bananas

Dozens of townsfolk in Hartford put their public school education to the test by making signs and waving them around in the dark last evening hoping to arouse their fellow tax payers to join them in protesting ice, which has terrorized our tiny Vermont town for over two hundred years on record.  

With winter temperatures falling like Vermont public school test scores, the oppressive menace commonly referred to as “ice” has returned to the streets accosting and, in some cases, disappearing innocent pedestrians who were simply trying to walk to work.  

Dressed in high-end parkas and the latest LL Bean winter gear, the militant liberal matriarchy attempted to bring the heat with a series of “Hey, hey, ho-ho-ho!” chants intending to summon the ghost of Winter Solstice for a serious chastisement.  

Concerns about ice have been increasing as the unseasonably and unreasonably non-climate changey cold winter saw ice terrorizing the streets of Minneapolis.  A recent incident occurred as federal immigration agents were attempting to arrest a criminal illegal alien when professional protesters arrived to exercise their first amendment rights by harassing the law enforcers.

Similarly countenanced femi-nazis lined the streets of Hartford outside of the town building Tuesday.  Holding barely legible signs denouncing ice and Donald Trump, who is on record as pro-ice, in particular the large frost-covered land mass known as Greenland.  

The largely underemployed group of activists braved the slick city streets intending to pound the ice into submission.  With IQs slightly higher than their declared enemy the mob meandered to and fro attempting to raise the temperature by pouring their carbon credits into the air, but to no avail.  

Bananas media was on the scene in Hartford to ask the protestors about their concerns.  Despite our attempts to let them enhoy free speech, many were discouraged by their handlers from speaking.  They were concerned it might disrupt the necessary groupthink required to run a top notch event that depends on loud coordinated chanting.  

We did notice what appears to be a growing allergy to ice as many of the participants suffered from blue hair syndrome and apparent frigidity around men.  

In an effort to stay warm and hydrated many made their way across the street to the Co-op grocery store, which was understaffed having lost several employees to the evening’s demonstration.  This led to long lines at the two open cashiers, one of which was the “10 items or less” check stand. 

A hyper-vigilant customer noted another attempting to get through with what was clearly twelve items leading to a debate about which came first the carton or the eggs, causing an in-store protest to erupt as a riotous mob then scoured the freezer section declaring “we know you’re harboring ice in here!”

Despite their best efforts the event appears to have had little effect on ice’s ability to menace the broader United States as temperatures continue to drop into the negatives with many ice experts declaring a massive movement by ice to spread across the Midwest all the way to the east coast including Vermont and New Hampshire.  

Residents are encouraged to take necessary precautions as Jack Frost and his band of randy ice agents are still on the loose and appear to be preparing to hideout somewhere in New England.  Mr. Frost is known to seek shelter in Sanctuary Towns that have a high population of Zambonis.  

The ice menace has also led to wild arctic black panthers spotted at as far south as the city of Philadelphia.  Arctic black panther are known to be attracted to black ice causing many to speculate about the increasing danger of black ice.  Although black ice comprises only 13% of all ice it is responsible for nearly 80% of all violent ice crime. 

If you are bummed about missing out on this past week’s fun or are looking for something to do to stick it to the Man we encourage you to go to “Find a protest.com” and check your local listings for upcoming events.   

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.