by Johnny Bananas
The topic of anti-racism is a hot one in Vermont, and why shouldn’t it be? Since racism is now an inbred feature to whiteness, Vermont is officially the most racist state in the U.S. after those maniacal racists at our eastern border. Whiteness is an essential feature of Vermont, particularly in the months of January to December, where the outdoor topography can be seen covered in soft blankets of snow, knitted by an equally racist Mother Nature, while the indoor topography is virtually indistinguishable.
Vermont has fought its natural born racism since the founding of our bigoted nation being the first to abolish slavery in 1777, less than one year after our uniting the klans, err, states. This claim to early progressivism has served Vermont well, and only a few hundred years later Vermont has replaced the slave-abolishing Republicans, once in the majority, with a hefty long-time racist Democrat party that is working hard to erase its slave-owning history.
Which is why, after many long and hard-fought years of media manipulation and campaign chicanery, the Dem-Prog (re: woke) leaders in our state have launched a volley of explosive policies aimed at destroying racism in Vermont forever by giving us what every Prog-Dem student of culture knows are the two favorite things loved by all people of color: weed and hookers.
It’s no doubt the suppression of these two racially equitable initiatives have been held down by the once anti-racist Conservative-Republican cabal, who seek to hold ‘colored’ people (sic) down with policies intended to keep fathers in the home (patriarchy much?!?), promote small business ownership (can we say systemic tax racism?), and support the birth of their babies (at the expense of women’s rights!). No thank you, honkies! Thanks to the pale-faced Prog-Dem saviors of the Green Mountain State, the brownies will now come flooding into Vermont to take advantage of these new anti-racist initiatives well known to woke crackers in Vermont. who grew up soaking in black culture the way all white people in New England have, through rap music.
This year’s Super Bowl half-time show no doubt was as prophetic as it was inspiring for our toke and give select board leaders who could see the writing on the fifty-yard line. I mean, just look at the icons of Afro-American culture spelling it out for us right there on stage – what do they want – weed and hookers. Dr. Dre, much like Tony Fauci in that he’s not a real practicing doctor, and Snoop Dogg (likewise, not an actual canine) have been echoing this beacon of need for nearly forty years. One might even say chronically singing the same tune. Fittingly they made way for Mary J. Blige to bring the message home by having her grace the mostly racist American public in what was the fashion equivalent of, to use the preferred nomenclature of the hood, a high-class ho. Street walking royalty son – HOLLAH!
Soon Burlington and Montpelier (fingers crossed) will be hotbeds of multi-cultural hustle and bustle where white men and women can sit back and enjoy the success of knowing they’ve defeated racism, once and for all. Nothing says progress like bringing back the world’s oldest profession.
Sadly, there is not such good news for pimps, who are being told they will find no safe quarter on the streets of Vermont. It’s unclear why these Dolomite hating libs can’t give a brother a chance to make a mostly honest buck. Having grown up in a neighborhood where ladies of the night plied their trade on Martin Luther King Jr. boulevard (as he would have wanted it), I have no doubt the entrepreneurial spirit of some well-organized hustlers will not be dismayed by a lack of support from the local officials. They never are.
So, take a deep breath and hold it in folks, because racial equity, inclusion (sorry pimps), and diversity are a few exciting moments way. Just like the mountains, the store fronts, one-hitters, and pockets of the privileged Vermonters are about to get greener.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.