By Johnny Bananas
Predicting trends is a talent more than a gift, especially if one is getting in the kitchen to try their hand as a restaurateur. Three out of four restaurants don’t make it after the first year, and reasons for that vary. Sometimes it’s location, like when the Four Seasons tried opening a café in Baghdad back in the early 90’s. Despite the fact the American government flew in “contractors” and gave them an open air concept style roof free of charge, the locals were not enamored by the menu, having a difficult time justifying $38 for organic lamb kabobs and $8 for designer Arabian espresso, even with the concert-like sounds of ordinance wafting in the background.
Other times, it’s lack of name recognition, as when Wolfgang Puck opened a series of quick pick up food carts strategically located near ice rinks hosting the Orthodox Jewish Men’s hockey league games in Brooklyn. His plans for the skaters to find affinity with his last name and the Canadian sport were disappointed by his first name and their German history. Or when musical artist Prince sought to capitalize on his royal name and familiarity with other royal dining rooms, such as Burger King and Dairy Queen, by opening his Prince’s House of Pickle’s in the twin cities only to see sales plummet when he decided to change his name to a symbol nobody recognized. Denizens soured being forced to ask friends to go get pickles at “You know, the thing.”
Now, I’m not one to prophet, nor can I cook, which is why I am thoroughly convinced my new restaurant idea is a winner. With the certain rise of communism racing toward us like a tyranny at a Division 1 swim meet, the moment to seize the opportunity for the well positioned entrepreneur is here. While other restaurants flaunt and flail their American capitalist fare of bacon, eggs and home fries, not knowing if this week’s supplies will make it in, this sub-genius will be launching the first fully communist themed restaurant – Uncle Bernie’s Stickhouse. The first ever fully communist restaurant serving the world’s finest gourmet sticks! While the free market dogs are waiting on their eighteen wheelers, we’ll be grooming the back forty.
Let’s goose-step into the experience friends…
“Greetings comrades!” will be the welcoming cry to all who enter our modestly decorated waiting area. Custom crafted stone benches repurposed from Turkmenistanian “summer” camps will be available to parties of six or less. We anticipate l-o-o-o-n-g lines so the portico naturally leads out to a cemented esplanade where children will be given chalk to play such time killing favorites as hangman or thought provoking word jumbles with clues like:
- Clue: Similar to summer camp; Answer: r—duc-t–n c-mp
If you are lucky enough to grab a slab in our waiting area, we borrow a page from the capitalist pigs at Texas Roadhouse and have a barrel full of sawdust for you to work up your appetite. Usually a nice local maple or some imported Aspen if prices are good.
The walls will be adorned with portraits of communism’s finest such as Chairman Mao, Pol Pot, Stalin, Lenin, and Fidel Castro. The main dining hall will have a massive portrait of our very own Senator Sanders painted on the ceiling as an homage to Big Brother but instead the lovable, avuncular misanthropic Uncle Bernie. Emblazoned in a deep rouge will be the words: Uncle Bernie Is Watching You. The Bern. Hits the feels, every time.
Deftly decorating the walls in appropriate earth tones will be slogans and sayings from some of our favorites. After all, we don’t want our powerless patrons to think we’re humorless do we? Nyet.
“Some animals are more equal than others.”
“2 + 2 = 5.”
“Equality of outcome over equality of opportunity.”
Above the ladies’ room:
“Your mom is just like communism. No class at all.
Above the men’s room:
“Who is the funniest communist? Charmain LMAO!”
Above the non-binary room:
“Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.”
Above the kitchen:
“What’s brown and sticky? A stick.”
Working up an appetite won’t be difficult since focusing on how to get one’s next meal will be, to use the parlance of our time, the new normal. Here is where we intend to capitalize (forgive the term comrades) on the new de-conomy.
Water, ice water (one cube per customer), cold water (add $20), warm water (add $25)
(Yes, we intend to recycle un-drunk water to keep our ESG score high, we’re not savages.)
Fidel fries (microwaved recycled paper straws)
Bark bits (they’re Kim Jung Un-believable! Hand-shaved in the Xinjiang forests by actual North Koreans)
Estonian salad (locally sourced pebbles and river rocks glazed in our top secret Che Guava-ra sauce)
Porter log-house stick (thickly sliced slab of seasoned wood roasted to perfection)
Rib-eye stick (eat enough of these and you will see your ribs)
Chip roast (a lightly buttered and seasoned bio-brick)
Chicken beaks (for diversity)
HAHAHAHA…we’re not capitalists you imbeciles. Besides, you still have to do the work of digesting an absurd amount of roughage.
Having spoken to my accountant and fallen angel investors, we think this idea has legs, however emaciated and weak they may be. Now, this is the first time we will be going full communist in the United States, which many think is insane given its number of successful attempts world-wide. Or, as will be ironically printed on the bottom of each receipt:
If I had a dollar for every time communism worked…I would have $0.
Coincidentally, if it did work…
I would also have $0.
(Gratuity is included in your digitally controlled bill and soon to be frozen bank account. Thank you for your business comrades!)