By Vinnie Balsamic

A groundbreaking new climate theory has taken the scientific community by storm, suggesting that recent extreme weather events are simply the result of a divine entity telling humanity to “get off His lawn.”

Dr. Eleanor Sprinkler, lead researcher at the Institute of Celestial Landscaping, claims that devastating tornadoes, California wildfires, and earthquakes are actually the meteorological equivalent of an elderly neighbor shaking His fist at trespassing kids.

“It’s quite simple when you think about it,” explains Dr. Sprinkler. “God created this beautiful planet, planted nice trees, set up perfect atmospheric conditions, and then humans came along and started leaving their industrial waste everywhere like teenagers with energy drink cans.”

The theory gained traction after researchers noticed that natural disasters often strike areas of high human activity, much like a garden hose being aimed at unwanted visitors. The recent increase in California wildfires, according to the theory, represents “divine property line enforcement.”

Most compelling is the theory’s explanation of supervolcanoes east of the Mississippi River. “That’s basically the celestial equivalent of installing motion-sensor sprinklers,” says Dr. Sprinkler. “Except instead of water, it’s magma.”

Critics argue that the theory doesn’t account for why natural disasters also affect churches, to which supporters respond, “Even God’s favorite grandkids need to respect the landscaping.”

The theory has sparked a new religious movement advocating for everyone to simply stay indoors and order delivery, though scientists note this may just trigger divine complaints about “those darn kids and their newfangled food apps.”

In related news, a rival theory suggests that global warming is actually caused by God turning up the thermostat because “He’s cold, and electricity isn’t free, you know.”

Vinnie Balsamic is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.