by Johnny Bananas

As Trump appointees lined up like prisoners readying for a firing squad in D.C. this week the swirling banshees came out in full force to denounce the threats to democracy and freedom, namely that of the legislators who fear they may end up in prison after not having made the Biden pardon list.  

Among the many red-faced inquisitors were Vermont’s own Bernie Sanders who grilled potential new Assistant Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. like he was a kosher cheese sandwich.  Despite getting triple vaccinated and quadruple boosted by all of his Big Pharma donors, Colonel Sanders donned his now famous mask and mittens to protect against transmission of the latest virus tearing through the capitol – the truth.  

Also heavily masked were “activists” hidden amongst the attendees who made their shot at history by taking shots at yet another Kennedy for making drug dealers uncomfortable.  It seems if these incels can’t abort babies they don’t plan to have, they most certainly won’t abort their chances at saving Americans from getting healthy again. 

The Senate Finance Committee is somehow still being taken seriously despite letting American’s fall over $30 trillion dollars in debt.  Yes, that’s trillions with a “t” for those scoring in the back.  

Chairing the committee is Senator Bill “Butch” Cassidy, a former doctor from Louisiana.  From 2019-2024 Cassidy has received enough in campaign donations ($412,950) from drug dealers to buy back Louisiana at its 19^th century asking price.  Not bad for a country boy from little Buxom Rogue, LA.  

However that’s peanuts compared to the Vermont drug kingpin known as “Colonel” Sanders who raked in enough campaign contributions from both drug dealers ($2.5 million) and their apparatchiks ($21 million) to buy Louisiana, the other fourteen states including both Georgia’s, and every KFC franchise in Vermont.  

Sanders, the picture of health and prosperity, looked furtively around the room to see how many other millionaires and billionaires were in attendance before launching into an incredible and emotive speech about the high cost of prescription drugs which could be much lower if drug companies didn’t have to buy off so many politicians. 

He then asked Mr. Kennedy if he would assure the committee that he would do everything he could to find a vaccine for climate change which the Colonel is certain is killing almost as many Americans as fentanyl and vaccines combined.  The cagey non-veteran veteran then insisted women have a right to choose what to do with their bodies and not be told what they should do by the government, unless of course it’s an experimental vaccine that will make his handlers billions.  

Next at bat was Senator Tim “Big Daddy” Kaine from Virginia who, after taking a moment of silence to honor those who lost their pronouns earlier in the week, proceeded to interrogate Mr. Kennedy about his comments regarding 9/11 conspiracy theories.  A visibly amused Kennedy moved his head back and to the left while the Virginia senator nearly collapsed from disbelief, just like World Trade Center tower 7.  

Not to be outdone was Senator Raphael Warlock from Georgia who, like his colleagues, raised millions of dollars ($184 million in 2022) to lecture the public on social injustice and equity, but at least used some of it to make his child support payments despite making tax exempt money as a pastor.  Lawd Jesus! 

After a brief smoke break the meeting resumed for a final diatribe from native tribe woman Elizabeth “Many-donors” Warren who lamented the number of children who might die by Kennedy’s reckless stance on vaccines before reminding him of the importance of supporting the abortion drug mifepristone holding up some forty studies to be included in the congressional record.  She then urged Kennedy to promise he would not take any money from pharmaceutical companies either in fees or through suing them for at least four years after leaving office because she already blew through the $10.5 million she received in donations from them and “a girl’s gotta eat”.  

A beleaguered Kennedy popped a Zin in his mouth before reminding the august crowd of sorcerers 1 in 36 American children are now autistic, one in three are obese, over seventy percent do not qualify for military service and cancer among children is now increasing at one to two percent per year, at which point Sanders, Kaine and Warren pledged to introduce a bill that would make mifepristone free for all Americans, before breaking into a chorus of “Sweet Caroline”. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.