By Johnny Bananas
Have you found stupid people that get in your way or don’t follow obvious rules mistakenly referring to you as “Karen” when your name is clearly Amy, Wendy or Judy? What’s with these idiots? It’s bad enough they tried to get in the 11 items or less line with 13 items, they can’t bother to read the carefully stitched lettering on your corporate sweatshirt. Seriously people!
Though many toss the name Karen around like it’s a pejorative akin to “conspiracy theorist” or “mass formation psychotic”, these mostly useless carbon footprints need to understand one thing – Goddess made you a boss lady whether they like it or not. So now, Karen (or whatever your real name is), it’s time to take your Miss Bossy-pants game to the next level!
With society crumbling around you like the last bits of your morning scone, you can’t afford to keep playing nice in the face of communal collapse. ONLY YOU can prevent the narcissism that is driving this degradation of our once neatly ordered way of life. Which is why we are proud to offer our latest course: HOW TO KAREN LIKE A BOSS!
This carefully crafted master class designed by our team of professional Karens and Chads includes the following modules:
- Tantrums: when to throw them and when to film them
- Brats: How to scare them when no one is looking
- Salons: Short cuts, perms and gossip
- Know the signs: Passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive?
- No hablo Engles? No problemo!: Establishing borders in public
- Mask Management: Stare down or shame?
- Plan ahead: Trigger warnings and safe spaces
- In traffic: Blinkers, Boomers and Bums
- Identity crisis: Basic bitch or badass boss lady?
- Social distancing: It’s the new yoga
- Social media 1: tone and emojis
- Social media 2: ALL CAPS, snark and insults
- Why your Audi/BMW/Mercedes/Minivan is a symbol of superior success
- Rules for me and not for thee: welcome to the matriarchy punks
- The Founding Fathers: Racists, retards or both?
- The Bill of Rights: How many will you allow others to enjoy at your expense?
- Virtue Signaling: Pronouns, quotes and popularity contests
AND SO MUCH MORE!
Sign up with a “friend” today for our POWER IN PARTNERSHIP deal and get 25% off both entry fees.
*BONUS*If your name is ACTUALLY Karen you qualify for our LEGACY membership seminar at a 15% discount!
Date: February 30th
Two Locations:
Days Inn Cafeteria in Manchester, NH
Starbucks in the Burlington Plaza Burlington, VT
Time: 10am-4pm
Cost: $99**
Need to carpool: Call Karen C. at 603-555-2868 to arrange a meet up
Lunch IS included and we offer vegan, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, sugar free, and soy full of joyless alternatives
**No refunds and no sliding scale this year – SORRY – TOUGH LOVE!
The world needs professional performance Nannies to take charge and clean up this mess now more than ever… and you’re just the womxn for the job.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.