Commentary

Master Class: How to Karen Like A Boss

By Johnny Bananas 

Have you found stupid people that get in your way or don’t follow obvious rules mistakenly referring to you as “Karen” when your name is clearly Amy, Wendy or Judy?  What’s with these idiots?  It’s bad enough they tried to get in the 11 items or less line with 13 items, they can’t bother to read the carefully stitched lettering on your corporate sweatshirt.  Seriously people!

Though many toss the name Karen around like it’s a pejorative akin to “conspiracy theorist” or “mass formation psychotic”, these mostly useless carbon footprints need to understand one thing – Goddess made you a boss lady whether they like it or not.  So now, Karen (or whatever your real name is), it’s time to take your Miss Bossy-pants game to the next level!

With society crumbling around you like the last bits of your morning scone, you can’t afford to keep playing nice in the face of communal collapse.  ONLY YOU can prevent the narcissism that is driving this degradation of our once neatly ordered way of life.  Which is why we are proud to offer our latest course: HOW TO KAREN LIKE A BOSS!

This carefully crafted master class designed by our team of professional Karens and Chads includes the following modules: 

  • Tantrums: when to throw them and when to film them
  • Brats: How to scare them when no one is looking
  • Salons: Short cuts, perms and gossip
  • Know the signs: Passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive? 
  • No hablo Engles? No problemo!: Establishing borders in public
  • Mask Management: Stare down or shame?
  • Plan ahead: Trigger warnings and safe spaces
  • In traffic: Blinkers, Boomers and Bums 
  • Identity crisis: Basic bitch or badass boss lady? 
  • Social distancing: It’s the new yoga 
  • Social media 1: tone and emojis
  • Social media 2: ALL CAPS, snark and insults
  • Why your Audi/BMW/Mercedes/Minivan is a symbol of superior success
  • Rules for me and not for thee: welcome to the matriarchy punks
  • The Founding Fathers: Racists, retards or both?
  • The Bill of Rights: How many will you allow others to enjoy at your expense? 
  • Virtue Signaling: Pronouns, quotes and popularity contests 

AND SO MUCH MORE! 

Sign up with a “friend” today for our POWER IN PARTNERSHIP deal and get 25% off both entry fees. 

*BONUS*If your name is ACTUALLY Karen you qualify for our LEGACY membership seminar at a 15% discount!

Date: February 30th

Two Locations: 

Days Inn Cafeteria in Manchester, NH 

Starbucks in the Burlington Plaza Burlington, VT

Time: 10am-4pm

Cost: $99** 

Need to carpool: Call Karen C. at 603-555-2868 to arrange a meet up

Lunch IS included and we offer vegan, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, sugar free, and soy full of joyless alternatives

**No refunds and no sliding scale this year – SORRY – TOUGH LOVE!   

The world needs professional performance Nannies to take charge and clean up this mess now more than ever… and you’re just the womxn for the job. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened.

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15 replies »

  1. I was going to write something caustic and witty in my per diem capacity as ambassador from the Friends of Retarded Racists, Incorporated. But somehow, it just don’t feel right.

  2. No sliding scale!!! Awwwww. It has become so hatrd to make ends meet lately, and my Amex cards are maxed out. My Prius needs work, and I am still paying off the loan I took out to pay for my electric bike And I’ve got a vacation trip to San Francisco to save for. I suppose I could raid the savings account I have for installing solar next summer. Ah well…..

  3. Again, the emphasis on nouns, labels. A denial of context, nuance, variegation.
    Label someone :Nazi”, “fascist”, “transphobic”, “racist” etc., etc., while refusing any examination of facts.

    • That’s kind of the point. Karen’s are a lockouts to rules not applying to them. Lots of kinds of Karen’s out there. This class is intended to reach them all.

      Also, at the end of the day, it just means slow. It’s not aimed at a group of people with mental disabilities, of which the Founding Fathers clearly were not.

  4. Ironical? Me? Never! I just say people mistyping words like ‘Lionist’, ‘socialite’, etc. Can hapen to the best of us!

  5. I’d like classes on how be a Karen so I can be more likable to them. The state should pay for it, as part of their equity thinking and planning. After all we weren’t all born stupid and those that weren’t need help to become stupid.

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