by Johnny Bananas
Diaries are a funny thing. They are very private, that is, until they become public. Among history’s most famous are Defoe’s, Lenna Mukhina’s, little Anne Frank’s, Dear Abbey and, perhaps my favorite, the vampire diaries.
Previously in my search for Brandon (who still needs to GET GOING!) I travelled most of the continental United States in search of this elusive figure who seems to be galvanizing Americans. From coast to coast and from over-priced tank of gasoline to over-priced tank of gasoline I exhausted my efforts searching for the one they call (it’s more of a chant really) Brandon.
Apparently, word of my search had gotten out…
While hunkered down over a pint of Guinness Book of World Records worst beer at C C Shenanigans in Wilmington, Delaware, where I was following a lead on Brandon’s reputed whereabouts, a swarthy character with a heavily tattooed entourage approached me with what appeared to be a classic leather bound “Leave It To Beaver” note book. Upon inspection I noticed an exclamation mark next to the word Beaver and a smiley face. This could only mean one thing – the owner was an alumnus of Oregon State University.
“Dis bee-longs to B-r-r-randon” he choked out in a thick Russo-Ukrainian-Chinese accent as he slapped it down on the bar. Noticing a scar that covered his good eye, we stared at each other for a moment before him and his league of Crayola covered characters disappeared into the night.
Peeling back the tattered cover, I thumbed through the first few pages in search of a clue, any clue, as to who this Brandon really is. The following entries are what I found:
12/26/52 – Merry Christmas to me! My first diary. Thank you Santa.
1/31/53 – Sally Ann won’t hold my hand. She says I have cooties.
4/15/59 – Met a cute new freshman today, Mary Beth. I asked her out, and she said no. I asked if I could hold her hand on the walk home, she said no to that too. So I asked if I could smell her hair. I had no idea girls could run that fast.
6/12/63 – Cornpop is a bad dude.
8/13/66 – Number 76 out of 85. That puts me in the top ten! I’m going to be a lawyer, yes! I told the guys citing the law is essentially plagiarism. Perry Mason eat my dust.
8/13/71 – Jojoba is pronounced ho-ho-bah. I like joe-joe-bah better.
11/30/72 – Senator. Sen-uh-tor. Has a nice ring to it.
3/4/73 – Why just on the head and shoulders? I think it should be put on your entire body.
10/13/75 – Jill says she wants to be a teacher. I’d like to teach her a few things.
6/12/77 – I know why they call it the People’s Republic of Hungry – there’s no food in these darned communist countries!
2/12/88 – Doc said he was surprised I had as much brains left as I did after the first surgery. Good one Doc.
8/22/91 – Interviewing CT for SC. I threw him some curveballs like that old negro Satchell Paige. It’s true what they say – glasses make you sound smarter.
8/11/05 – Met with B.O. today and his wife M.O. Both so clean and articulate! He’s the real deal. She has shoulders like a linebacker!
1/29/07 – J says she’s a doctor now. I’d like to show her how to play doctor.
2/2/10 – Rumor has it there are videos of me with my hands all over other people’s children during the swearing in ceremony. I would never touch someone’s child inappropriately. I swear to, you know, the thing man.
5/19/11 – Nobody needs an AR-14.
6/5/15 – So I said “Fire the prosecutor or you’re not getting the billion dollars”. That got big laughs.
11/6/16 – Uh-oh.
7/8/20 – Who knew you could fall up-stairs?
2/13/21 – Met my Assistant Secretary of Health today, Rachel. More like Richard.
4/29/21 – Raggle fraff, hornswaggle de gogglty reckt scrabbum you mangy varmint! C’mon man!
7/19/21 – There I was at Ford’s Theater watching Gerald get sworn in. Next thing I know, shots rang out, Abe’s dead at the hands of a white guy with an assault weapon, and what’s worse, Mary had a little lamb because Republicans wouldn’t let her get an abortion.
11/4/21 – Just met the pope. Had an accident. I told him it was the Brown New Deal. I thought it was funny.
If any of you upon reading this has any idea where I might find Brandon, please send an anonymous email to email@example.com.
Just heard a knock at the door. Who would be beating on my door at four in the morn…
Johnny Bananas is the fake name for a fake news reporter and satirist who lives in Vermont.