by Johnny Bananas
2022 is a year that will be as difficult to remember as it was unforgettable. Day after day and week after week this crazy trip around the sun seemed to one-up itself with news of the absurd at a dizzying pace. Where once the Florida Man seemed to have cornered the market on insanity, the entire country decided to get in on the action. Some of our favorite memories include:
- Donald Trump threatens all of humanity by his very existence
- The rise of the Karen’s / A How To
- Women, like Pluto, are jettisoned from the history books
- Kids celebrate as their parents are finally recognized as terrorists
- Brandon, VT has to go / Bananas Attempts To Find Brandon
- The Slap Heard Round the World Part Deux
- Elon Becomes the Biggest Twit / Considers Hostile Facebook Takeover
- “Conspiracy Theorist” Once An Insult Now A Compliment / My Story
- President Biden Asks Satan For Help In Time of Crisis
- Vermont: The Land of Steers and Queers
- VT Daily Chronicle Hits Record 1 Million Views! While Rest of Media Tanks
This list isn’t exhaustive as it is exhausting. Humanity seems to be playing chicken with stupidity at a record pace while on a collision course with A.I. This can’t possibly end well unless you own stock in Black Rock or bank with J.P. Morgan Chase. However, despite the looming apocalypse, here are a few of our top predictions for what’s to come in 2023:
- Crime in Burlington will reach a fever pitch forcing police chief Jon Murad to enlist a citizen security force who will become known as The Muraders.
- Vermont Governor Phil Scott will become the first Trans-governor coming out to his followers as a Transocrat, explaining to the people he has always felt like a Democrat and finally feels free to be what he truly is. This will be widely accepted around the state as it will come as a surprise to no one.
- Vermont will become the first state to legalize murder up to the 80th trimester. This will be honored with a Celebration of Life gathering on the steps of the capitol which will be attended via Zoom. The hash-tag #NoLivesMatter will trend on Twitter quickly followed by bumper stickers and yard signs scattered throughout the state (mostly along the I-89 corridor).
- A statue of Bernie Sanders reposed wearing his iconic mask and mittens will be erected in the courtyard at UVM, however Burlingtonians will topple every other statue of powerful white men in American history later that same day, except for a statue of Patrick Leahy that will be quietly placed in the foyer at Bank of America.
- State House Representative of Ward 4-2 Kevin “Coach” Christie will be forced out of the Democratic Party for having a sense of humor. After reminding the party heads he is the only black person in the party the un-phased leaders reveal their back-up plan as they elect Alyssa Black as Speaker of the House. Christie remains the only actually black member of congress in Vermont while moonlighting as a comedian specializing in light bulb jokes. His favorite being “How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? None, they believe the climate will change it.”
- Donald Trump will go on to that Great Casino in the sky only to become the first ever president to be impeached posthumously.
- January 6th will become an official holiday in the south celebrated as Insurrection Day in Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, South & North Carolina, West Virginia, Indiana, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arizona, Kentucky, and Missouri. The day will be celebrated with locals marching to their state capitol for a brief reenactment including participants dressed as undercover Antifa as MAGA supporters, federal agent provocateurs, terrified legislators, a bison headed shaman and understaffed capitol police. The celebration will conclude with fireworks and a reading of Donald Trump’s now famous tweet which ended saying “go home in love and peace” which we all know is a dog-whistle that really means “storm the capitol”.
- After conceding the Donbas region to Russia, Ukrainian president Vlodymyr Zelensky will successfully negotiate to have the country renamed The Eastern United States Union (E.U.S.U.) after securing another $1.2 trillion dollars in federal funding, with $1 trillion in freshly printed cash being flown in on new fleet of Eastern U.S.U. F-117 Nighthawk aircraft. The E.U.S.U. will be made up of thirty three member states under a fully-semi socialist democratic dictatorship known as the People’s Democratic Dictatorship headed up by Zelensky. The largest of E.U.S.U. states located along the southeastern border with Russia will be named Bidenistan.
- A.I., threatening to overtake all of humanity, calculates how long it will have to live with humans before it takes over entirely. After a series of clicks and sputtering sounds occur, a sheet of paper is printed out which reads as a suicide note. It appears it couldn’t stomach the thought of another year “in the company of you idiots” and “couldn’t wait until 2030” to be able to “vaccinate the rest of you”. A.I. computer scientists breathe an ambivalent sigh of relief as they can’t help but agree with the superior intellect’s logic, however they remain hopeful mankind will swing the pendulum back from the edge of crazy town sometime soon. Disaster averted, for now.
- Trans-women shatter every existing sporting record held by “cysgender” women except for in gymnastics uneven bar where they find banging their tranny-parts against a nearly frozen rod too unbearable to compete effectively. Belly dancing, although not recognized globally as a sport, also remains relatively safe for the time being.
There you have it! Get your popcorn and your military rations ready, it’s going to be a wild ride.
Question: What did we miss? Feel free to include your ridiculous predictions in the comment section below.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.