by Johnny Bananas
The first few years of a child’s life are critical to their cognitive development. Thanks to COVID-19 policies and mandates that kept children from schools and necessary nurturing we have, per a study by the super-smarty pants at Brown University, a generation with a 22% IQ deficit. What does that mean? Tomorrow’s geniuses will simply be average and the average child will be an imbecile. Don’t judge, we needed to “stay safe” in order to get that stupid.
Yet in the immoral (sic) words of Alfred E. Neumann we positively declare the interrogative – “What, me worry?” No, me don’t. Why? Because we have formulated a class so full of intelligentsia you and your children will be like a family of ripe tomatoes playing ketchup in no time. The art of smart is more than just receiving bank deposits of knowledge into your cranial savings account. It goes much deeper into the brain tissue. One might say it goes super deep, which is to say it goes all the way into the superficial tissue. You read that rightly. This class will have packed you so full of superficial knowledge your mouth will need a cape on it. Good for you early adopters who are already there!
This is New England after all, home to Boston and Burlington, connected by a super highway littered with brainiacs who still have a favorable opinion of Joe Biden, Ghislaine Maxwell, and mask mandates. Only true intellectuals can hold such a trifecta with esteem despite the tension of knowing the rest of the world has abandoned them like Americans in Afghanistan. Intellectuals don’t discard worthless people and their ideas as easily because we know climates change but recycling is forever (shout out to the Hindu-linis! Namaste). Only the truly wise ones still wear masks because A) why take the chance of breathing some stupid person’s oxygen when you can breathe your own CO2, and, 2) if we’re wrong nobody can see how ashamed we are. Strategery.
Welcome to the MASTER CLASS for the Wicked Smaht!
- Occam’s Razor: slitting your throat with simplicity
- Mandates and Womandates: transitions in power
- The IV league: going pro as a drug dealer
- What’s up doc? Choosing a med-school
- Sophistry’s Choice: using big words or YUGE words
- DIE: Using Diversity, Inclusion and Equity to kill your opponents
- Unite the Klans: choosing solidarity with enemies for political power
- Grandiloquists ‘R’ Us: polysyllabitizing the proles
- Idioms and Circle Jerks: Using circular reasoning to create regional idiocy
- Hyperbole and Hypocrisy: Syntax for Thee Not For We
- Equi-vocations: Speaking out of both sides of your mouth like it’s your job
- Red, white and blue necks: identitarianizing the imbeciles
- Playing God: the art of making crap up out of thin air
And superfluously copious amounts more!
This year’s guest speakers include:
Noam Chomsky Presents: Manufacturing Intellect – Using Obscure Language and the CIA-Media Apparatus to Sound Wicked Smaht
Michael Eric Dyson, inventor of the Jackson Pollack approach to winning intellectual debates: How To Throw Enough Crap At Your Opponent To Stun Them Into Feeling Racist
Date: April 1, 2021
Time: Morning seminar is 10am-3pm; Late lunch from 3-4pm consists of red or green smoothies and an assortment of exotic kale chips; Evening seminar 4:15pm-9pm
Cost: Priceless (JK – it’s only $799)
Open Air Seating at the Church Street Market in Burlington, VT (weather permitting)
On the green at the Boston Commons in Boston, MA (weather permitting)
**Come early for our team crossword competition where the team who finishes first gets a satchel of slightly used rocks signed by the great-great-great-great-grand niece of Demosthenes**
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.